Hello! Are you a lame 'alternative' short-dick man whose sole aim in life is to go to Tokyo and stick it in a Japanese schoolgirl in a sailor suit? Then you'll be needing the Japan SAQ - Seldom Asked Questions! Find out why Japanese schoolgirls wear said sailor suits, whether Japanese ladies sport anything under their kimonos, why porcelain Tanuki dogs have such giant testicles, and much much more.

And talking of Japanese girls - how hot is this Elegant Gothic Lolita thing? I'd give my right tit to be able to carry off a look like this. Oh, and while we're on the subject of purty girls, check this archive of cowgirl pin-ups from the 1930s to the 1960s. I know it's a little bit 'retro porn' but... you just don't get to see pin-up chicks with such lovely meaty thighs and asses these days. :-D

(Hate emoticons like that one I just did? Blame Scott E Fahlman, who invented them on an internet message board in 1982, because people kept not getting his jokes.)

O, if only my parents had bought me a Cranial Remodelling Band when I was a little girl, maybe I wouldn't have such a giant round beanhead, and would be able to get vintage hats to fit me. *sigh*

And, in other Great Designs of Our Times - would you wear a pair of pants that said 'bad ass'? Way to promote positive body image in the wearer. Coming next from We Love Fine - a bra with 'saggy' and 'tits' inscribed across the cups! Perhaps.

Blogger.com has some handy hints on ways to get away with looking at the internet at work, including this handy Web Fire Escape button, which instantly transports you to either a work-related site of your choosing, or a fake Word or Excel document. Sweeeeet!

Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

And finally. Poor Chi-Chi! End animal cruelty now!

Your face here? Send us some links!

Friday 12 December 2003

Download 'Yeah' by LCD Soundsystem from here. It's supposed to be even better than 'Losing my Edge'. Nao!

pictore of cex eating ice-creamFriday 05 September 2003

Hey you. Cex is playing at Kosmiche tomorrow night (Saturday 06 Sept, d'oye), Upstairs at the Garage, and everyone but everyone is going, and I think you should too. Here is a sexxy pictore taken at one of his gigs, to tempt you. Laptop clickhop boiz are go!

Oh, Justin. Dear little Justin has sold his soul, and Clipse and The Neptunes are providing the soundtrack. Sigh. Disappointment seeps through our hearts, and our lips tremble. Better slip on some Emowear (slogan: 'Emowear. Wear it. Stain it with tears') and go join Introverster, then. Contemplating celibacy as a result of Justin's betrayal, we realise that every cloud has silver whatnot, for at least we will have no need of STDster in the near future.

argh - it's sadako!But then - O, what the hey! We have had our time of mourning, and it is time now to cheer selves up by looking at a bizarre montage of Ringu fan art! Includes happy, cuddly little Cartman-esque Sadakos popping out of wells, accompanied by a jaunty little pop tune. How fun. And now, to prepare for the coming weekend, let's hear Arnold Schwarzenegger talk gangbangs, strippers and dopesmoking. A'ight guvnor?


a massive banner that clashes with my colour scheme

Lured to a site called londonbylondon via their petition to make the tube run till 3am at weekends, I found the answer to something that's been confusing me.

As I sit in my third-floor boxroom scribing nonsense and eating bonbons, I can often hear the sound of a horse whinnying. As far as I know there's no city farm nearby. From time to time I also hear the sound of Tarzan yodelling. And the only possible response to this is '...what the FUCK?'

Other people have been wondering about this too! LondbyLondon's email newsletter identifies the culprit:

The horse/tarzan noises you heard might be related to a strange man that I saw opposite Angel tube. He appears to own a motorbike and a sound effects machine, and one week whenever I was walking past (about three times in a day) he activated the sounds then proceeded to laugh manically at any passers-by who found his behavior odd. Despite obviously doing this all day he didn't seem to grow tired of it. I saw him with the same crazed glint in his eye three days in a row, then he disappeared...

I feel better now. It would be superfun to interview the Tarzan Whinnying Man, along with Rattail Jim and The Alright Man. If you are Tarzan Whinnying Man, please get in touch!

Read the newsletter here: http://www.londonbylondon.co.uk/sample.shtml
Sign the petition here: http://www.londonbylondon.co.uk/latetube/


BOYS! Violent teenage male offenders 'much like other boys, only more so'.

GIRLS! Can't find a nice gentleman to punch you in the rump? Obviously, the answer is to become a lez! It's cinchy and fun!

PHOTOGRAPHERS! Momus commands entire world to start a photoblog in an inspiring little essay. I love his site. He's kind of hot, too.

PEOPLE! Anyone go to the Flash Mob thing on Tottenham Court Road the other day? Any good? Or a pointless exercise preventing genuine businesses from exercising their daily right to suck the cock of Mammon?

FINALLY! Quirky drawings and writings about why arms and stuff are cool. (The ones with hands on, not the ones that Saddam hasn't got.) It's English too, and therefore More Skill than things that are not English. (It really is that simple.)

PS - we couldn't find an appropriate image to illustrate any of these links, so here's a picture of some boys snogging


Right. Hello. Ok. Domestic updates: abortions, pornography, hipsters, and cleaning. Firstly, we have two scary baby things from Discodamage: 1) Feed the nine-mouthed baby. 2) Diary of an unborn child mp3. (The rest of the site's ace too - checkkit.)

Then we have the hipster bingo. And then - almost as good as the staggering news that people surf the net while at work, comes the shock discovery that...

If you're on Friendster (course you are!) you *must* read Aimee's latest Anti-Hipster thingy, it's brilliant, funny, and deadly. And finally! Someone else who loves the Swiffer as much as I do. Hurrah!


Every way, in every way, we're getting increasingly voyeuristic as a society, tra la LA.
"Jules's special day is Sunday, where he has killed a total of 2 kittens." This is sooo sweet. A while back, I started to keep a No Sex Diary, where I kept track of... well, doh. Then I fucked it up by having sex. Now I'm transferring the No Sex Diary to Kittenhate.com, which gives you fully automated stats on your masturbatory activities, including the hour you most like to 'kill kittens', how many 'kittens' you 'kill' per week, what you thought about while the 'kitten-killing' was going on... ah, don't give me that look. This is the kind of shit that makes the world turn. Sign up now!

Wednesday 09 July 2003

Look at the cute dancing robots in Japan!

Tuesday 08 July 2003

Scientists have invented a computer algorithm that can examine a text and deterimine, with 80 per cent accuracy, whether the author is male or female. Ecriture feminine? Or are the words we use dependent on our intended audiences?

Why aren't there stories on our money? Why do we hide it when we want it so much? Subnotes are banknotes specially registered in order to track the notes and the stories behind them. The notes are marked with the website address and a registration number; some have images printed on the back. If you receive a subnote, you visit the site, enter the registration number, and find out the note's history. (In a similar vein, the artists ran Superswops type event in which they auctioned off their possessions.)

From conceptual ca$h to conceptual software - how Zen. And conceptual hotdogs! But trust the Japanese - a company called Nippon Ham - to really turn it into an art form. With instructions for DIY hotdog sculpture enthusiasts, too! And... conceptual spiderwebs. Drugs. Brr. Speaking of drugs - not that drugs and nightclubbing inherently go hand in hand, oh no guv'nor - the lovely Tiga is playing over here this month, on 19 July at Bugged Out @ The End, and on the 21st July at Trash. Here he is! Yes.

Monday 16 June 2003

Neutered modern male to be offered his pride back in exchange for his wallet.
Poor men! Alternatively, modern man could just chow down on the steroids and grow some giant bitch tits...or, they could learn now to win at carnival games. Nothing like a jumbo bootleg Disney toy to reaffirm one's hunter-gatherer status.

Glitter limes
- dried-up bits of fruit encrusted with glitter and worn as jewellery, hairslides, belts, whatever - puts the 'ew' in 'kewt'! And in your other Pointless but Adorable Things News - how about a Punk Rock Sock Monkey?

And finally - time for a stupid but compelling online game! Apparently, when I grow up I will be a farmer in NYC, live in an apartment, drive a red doormobile, marry ****** and have Downs Syndrome kids. What will you be?

That's all. All. That is it. Your face here? Send us some links!

Tuesday 10 June 2003

"Jonah did not know it was unusual for a ten-year-old boy to have an eight-inch penis." Not, in fact, a piece of short fiction written by a member of NAMBLA, but a True Story. Sadly there is not enough bandwidth in the entire internet to host a pictore of said behemoth (until next month, anyway). No fair!

Oh! Berlin-based electronica genius and Bpitch Control founder Ellen Allien will play the next Death by Stereo event, at Turnmills on the 26th June. Hurrah! If you fancy being an electronica geniass too, a good place to start might be with those nice Lektrolab ladies. If you already understand the basics of sampling, step-editing and sequencing (whu?) and own a Gameboy then you can attend a workshop at the ICA on the 28th June and learn how to make ace retro-futuristic computer game type music, like what Printed Circuit does.

Alternatively, you can learn how to be a VJ, book yourself onto a DJ workshop that explains the basics in an accessible fashion (I went to one - they're ace) or simply shake ass at the evening party. Facking sweet. Speaking of ass. Girl. Is your 'ass' lean, mean and tough enough? No? Then maybe you need to rub it against some Geniune Dictator Ass Skin Cells by purchasing this attractive Pre-Loved (By Saddam Hussein) toilet seat off Ebay!

Then you could celebrate by trotting off to the Gay Bar with Sad's homiez Bush and Blair, or something. (Contains Flash. Hey, you might not laugh out loud, but if you are hungover you might do a little laugh. And that's not such a bad way to start the day.)

Monday 19 May 2003

I don't know who this guy is, but he looks like funfunfun!

Cute little bonnets for plainly dressed christians. I waaant one!

Shit - yesterday was the annual masturbate-a-thon! I can't believe I missed it it! Still, at least the rest of the month is national masturbation month, so... Phew!!!!!

Monday 31 March 2003

Boys, boys, boys we adore. They've been off inventing some cute sports!
First of all we have the people who do skateboy type stunts on wheelbarrows - some 'seriously up-to-date new wave extreme sports trickery' that started on a building site. Check the videos. And then - house gymnastics! They were bored in the hall and they were talking about being bored. Then they tried to put up a blind and fell over, and suddenly these two clever and not entirely unattractive boys had invented a whole new sport.

But maybe you're some other man and you're bored too. What should you do? I know! Why don't you, like, buy some dolls, give them GIANT FAKE TITS out of Fimo, and then...take pictures of them having s e x with black action men! Yeah? Yeah!

And one last boy for ya. I'm through with Gonzales. I'm through with Gold Chains. Har Mar? Well sure. but the entire world is enough up in his face already. Allow me to present my new future imaginary boyfriend, accordion superstar CORN MO. Yowsa? Sure, why not.

Tuesday 25 February 2002

Pucca - it's the new Hello Kitty. Thank god.

Wednesday 15 January 2002

. Even in the internet, bad things happen. A bad thing happened to the magic balancing rabbit I (and everyone else) linked to last year. And to a dog called Tax.

Also, sometimes people have to get shit jobs. In porn stores. Sometimes these people are very good at writing, and so they write Porn Clerk Diaries, and from something crap, something nice is made. But more often , it's the other way round.

Know any more bad things? Mail us!

Tuesday 07 January 2003

You know that exciting feeling when you realise that someone you're reading can *really* *fucking* *write*? Not one regular visitors to this site are familiar with, I am sure, so let me point you in the direction of The New York Anti-Hipster Forum. Watch! The hipsters attempt to play football! Discover! How hipsters behave at an electroclash party! Thrill! To the venomous pen that describes their antics. She can even do dialogue too. Phoo!


Here is a pitcher of a hipster. He invented "Electro" "Clash". Whatever _that_ is.

Anyway. Now, I don't know what this is, since my shitty dial-up refuses to have anything to do with it but since top linx expert Lisa Max sent it to me under the title 'Best Animation Ever', those among us blessed with a phat broadband connection would do well to watch. She sez: wait till you get to the bit with the dancing robot and the guitar solo. Gogo gadget cock!


So there's this guy, right, called Scott, right, and he all, like, thinks that we should all talk to each other more and stuff... So he wears a nametag! All the time! Sweet. So a good look! I'm going to do that. I'm going to sew big, scarlet 'A's all over my clothes. That's never been done before, right?


Now send us some links, you buggers! Don't make Lisa Max do all the work! Cuh.

Monday 30 December

Bored? At work? On a Monday? Surely not. There's no need. Look, here's a delightfully arch analysis of one of the hottest films of the 80s, Desperately Seeking Susan, from the always-fab Beardburn. Read it! And here's a super-fun thing that you've probably already played with because I put so long to put the link up, but just in case you haven't, it's the naughty swearing XYLOPHONE*! Yay! Or why not marvel at Michael's face through the ages, snack on your chocolate bra, admire the hairy pits and hirsuite groins of men and women alike, watch some brilliant bits of Bowling for Columbine,*, wonder how the fuck anyone can find women popping balloons supa-sexy, check out some Lord of the Rings slash art*, and, perhaps most importantly of all, as we draw to the close of 2002: LOBBY FOR THE USE OF MORE COWBELL IN SONGS! YEAH!

(*=with thanks to the lovely Lisa Max!)

Sunday 08 December

Wow! A coloured plastercast of my 'snatch'! What an attractive paperweight, fridge magnet or general ornament! Mm, that's Grandpa's Christmas present sorted out then.

Tuesday 05 November

Several pictures of ppl mutilated by fireworks!

Some morally dubious things!

The coolest industrial designs EVER!

Plus: "Hi, my name is Jenni and I love hip hop! There are lots of cool, cute guys who rap and DJ and stuff. Sure, the Backstreet Boys, N'Sync and O-Town are cute and all, but there are SO many girls who like them! And there are way less girls who like these underground hip hop guys. Plus they are way cooler. But enough blabbing... on to the HUNKS!!"

Damn right, girlfriend.

Friday 01 November 2002

"A survey has found that many workers at small and medium businesses are wasting time with e-mail messages and websites that have nothing to do with their jobs."


Wednesday 30 October 2002

The only thing scarier than a Pimpdaddy is knowing that there's some little boys out there who might grow up to be just like him. Gneee!

Speaking of boys. If your boy has grown himself some bitch tits, fret not. Of course, he could have expensive and painful chest surgery to remove them. Or, he could find a use for them, ensuring your own lovely breasticles stay pert and firm after the wonderful nurturing act of lactation. Hell, I know which I'd rather have. (That or a wet nurse). Bring on the fat boy...

Ooh look! Hello Kitty beef jerky! Is it made out of real Hello Kitties? I hope so. I'm like enough through with that kittyshit. These days it's all about the Doraemon. And indulging my ever-growing interest in "recreational and artistic neck bracing". Mmmm!

Hah. Kent Pikeys in their own words! "i is been mostly hangin around by the venue in the car park, smokin odd stuff. you is be catchin me there most evenins wiv ma biatches". Wow, Gravesend is so "street" and "urban", isn't it. Not to mention Bromley. Or Dartford. O Kent, how I miss thee. Gosh, no wait - I don't at all! Could this site be the Friends Reunited of the future? (Er, how the fuck would I know. I don't even know where my next paycheque is coming from.) Anyway. Seeya!

Thursday 17 October 2002

Independent Woman sung by pub-rock kittens! AMPnet wants to marry the man that made this. Wonder if he'll be at the B3ta Halloween party? We'll want to look our best - stomach in, chest out - so we'll will definitely be needing our interactive bra. Best utilise Asia Carrera's extremely tasteful secret Porno Glam make-up tips too, for added effect.

Once kitten guy has been snaffled, AMPnet and kitten guy willl get married and have a baby and dress it in love / hate mitts, rawk-style t-shirts that say 'baby' with lightning bolts and 'easy tiger' and stuff. Then, when we get really bored of each other in bed we'll get all depraved and start looking at some really sick porn, and baby rapin sites and that, and we'll will make him bite us wearing gold teeth like what Cex has some of, and then, when even that doesn't work, we'll play with one of these. And then we'll die. Boom! I've got it all worked out.

Thursday 10 October 2002
"He pissed in a cup where I had put my contact lenses for the night and threw them in his friend's fish tank." And that's just the start of it. Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you... the Dick List! In which bad people of the male variety are vehemently dissed by their ex-girlfriends, as a service to other women who might be tempted to cop off with said bad men. Surnames are omitted, but first names and location are provided, along with comprehensive examples of emotional nasty business. No English boys are there whatsoever. Are we therefore to conclude that no English boys are "dicks". Surely not. Come on British ladies! Bring the Dick List your weak, your needy, your disfunctional! If you can't save yourself - save your sistas!

Here at AMPnet's wonderful housing estate flat in Hackney we have two incestuous nipple-sucking scatalogically obsessed homosexual kittens called Sebastien and Mikey, which is all very well, but everyone knows dogs are better.

For ages AMPnet has been searching for a birthday present for its hot boy du jour. Teenagers are just so difficult to buy for, aren't they? Luckily it has found the perfect thing. A picture of George Bush made up of millions of tiny faces of Jesus! Big whup.

Those lovely boys and girls at Castoff are having a Knitting on Ice party this Saturday. It's at the Alexandra Palace in London, and there are free knitting lessons and stuff! Needles and yarn are provided, there will be a machine that makes pom-poms (how cool?) and a fastest knitter in the world contest and of course, lovely, shiny ice-skating, and probably music and lights and variousnesses like that. It's on the 12/13th October, and it only costs three quid! And it sounds delightful! See ya there? See ya there!

Friday 04 October 2002

The weblog today is brought to you care of The Sidcup Massive. The weapon of choice for the Sidcup Massive is the Ashtray. The enemy of the Sidcup Massive comes from Swanley, is known as a 'Manky Chavvie', and is recognisable by its insignia, the Nike Tick, and its armour of heavy gold jewellery. All chavvies must be killed, say the Sidcup Massive, if we are to save humanity! So put down your gun, pick up your ashtray, and get to it!

So, it's Autumn, which is, according to the fashion magazines, the time for everything old to be new again. AMPnet is therefore proud to announce the following: Accountants are the new Ninjas. Knitting is the new Nintendo. And Fake porn is the new real porn. Hurrah!

Finally. some stuff that is not new or old, just... stuff. A Rockist blog. A sex museum. And, oh, a joke! How long did it take to fill the Red Sea? A very long period. Har de hah!

Tuesday 10 September 2002

I give my entire life away online for free. Meanwhile, Karyn gives her rubbish blonde in-debt life away and gets THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. She doesn't even have to sell her knickers online! Feh! Not everyone's falling for it, though...

China have banned the internet! Is your site China-safe? Yeah, this one too. Boo!

Bad day? Hungover? Pop one of these on, ladies, and fret no more.

Ernie's House of Whoopass is having another tit competition, which is terribly sexist and bad, and utterly intoxicating.

And finally. The Vipron (thanks Disco). Please note: possible pleasurable side effects not fully explored in marketing material.

Thursday 05 September 2002

ADULT. interviewed by six-year-old boy. 'What is dispassionate furniture? Is it like when the car seat is hot and sticks to your legs?'

Wednesday 04 September 2002

Hot gift of the day: the vibrating Harry Potter Broomstick! It vibrates when your little one puts it between their legs! 'I cannot believe how long they can spend in their room playing with this vibrating broomstick' writes one satisfied customer. 'My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too!' claims another. Classic.

"Hi! My name is Amber Forever! I'm a completely ordinary teenage girl from San Diego, California... We got the Internet two years ago and I started making new friends on Yahoo! messenger. Surprisingly, most of these new friends were older men who wanted to have illegal, underage sex with me. Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world. Wait, did I say boner like a rocketship? I meant my vagina got as wet as Lake Titicaca!"

Wanna bone a sk8boy but can't? Never mind honey: just be one instead! (Note: use the arrow keys. It took me, like, five hours to suss that one out. Doh.)

Ladies, whatevah you do, like sneezing, slipping your shoes off, or coughing a hacking 10 Marloboro lights-type cough, there'll always be some dude perving on it somewhere. This one makes films of girls smoking. Some girls smoke two cigarettes at once! Others do the 'French Inhale!' Or Double Drags! Chekkit. How come they don't throw up?

I heart slang!
sealin the taco: to go down on a girl, to lick her pussy, e.g.

boy:see that girl over there? last week i was sealin her taco.
girl: great. flavorful?
boy: duuuuuude!

And finally...pink exploding head doggies, because why not.


So I surfed in secret over to my nu favourite page, the Kitana's Mortal Kombat Secret Death Moves page. Then I thought about how my career wasn't going too well and how mebbe I should get me a nu one. Then I got bored so I did some dot-to-dot porn and then I had a wank, which I timed using the Poo Timer, not that I am equating the two but for some reason no one has calculated quite how much one earns when one is pleasuring oneself on company time. Any clever boyz out there wanna help us code one for AMP? Anyway then I fell asleep and woke up panicking about Smart Tags. Hey, all in a day's work. (BTW, I notice none of you slutz out there have bothered to send us any linkage yet. What's *that* about?) And finally. Please to be meeting my nu internet crush, the horse testicles guy. Thatisal!



Why are boys' pants so frickin' scary? Girls are so much cuter. Except the scary ones with like 'i pierced my own lip with a spoon'. and some of the psycho goth girls. But still. Why are menz so ridiculouso? I don't gettit. I wish I was a lez.

Roll up! Roll up! Watch ADULT. dis 'electroclash'! Bouf!

I'm sure you already know about Stortroopers and you're all rollin' your bitch head and givin' me the stinkeye cuz dis so old, but make me give a fuck, this one's for my figgaz. And while we're on the topic... wanna see this bit updated more often? You betcha! Wanna help? Hm. Look, bitchez, send us linkage or it's yo ass, ok?

Monday 03 February 2002

Some cute menz-related linkage to start the week.

"Okay, I admit it. I shave my dick. I shave my balls and my dick." This has to be the best opening line for a novel I've ever heard. Actually it's a website devoted to teaching ppl who are male how to get the perfect shave.

This site contains graphic images of extreme computer hardware! You must be a complete 100% computer-nerd to gain access to this site! It's sheer analogue/digital insanity!!!!! Actually completely work-safe and quite possibly the best site I've seen in months, and I'm not even a boy, boyee.

God, menz are so fucking CUTE. Check this guy EAT STUFF. A tablespoon of cinnamon? A jar of extra hot horseradish - twice? No problemo!!! Well, that's 'no problemo' as in cinnamon streaming from his nostrils, drooling like a baby, vomiting blood into the bin, sweating profusely - that kinda thang. Bless!

And finally, one for the girlz too. Piercings are sooo 1993. What you want is some anal jewellery, 'm8'. Yummy!

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