24.6.08

BIRTH STORY

They put a balloon thing in to dilate the cervix. Then they broke the waters. Then they put me on this oxytocin drip thing to induce contractions and kept turning it up and up.

Contractions were absolute agony, gas and air did fuck all, epidural didn't do much either - it took away the contraction pain and allowed me to re-enter the human world, and get some rest, but it didn't take away the pressure of ENORMOUS BABY TRAVELLING DOWN **** . I always thought the scary bit of that would be the stretching / tearing feeling but it was more the sense of my bones just not being big enough for it to come out - the sense that my pelvis would snap - that was the most awful.

They kept saying 'Come on! Your baby is nearly here!' but by that point I didn't give a shit. All I wanted was for there to be some way for it to just stop happening, so I could get a rest. I kicked my boyfriend and sister out of the delivery room, btw. I didn't want people who I had to have a social relationship with seeing me in that groaning, growling animal state.

Anyway! Then the baby finally came out, hurrah, and they put him on my chest. And it was a good, quick delivery (if you can call 10 hours of the most excruciating agony a human can feel and still live 'quick') - the induction started at 10am and he was out by 8pm. No external tears (small one inside, 2 stitches), no instruments required for delivery, no episiostomy. Yay.

But then the stupid placenta wouldn't come out because my body just totally couldn't be assed to push that out too. So then I had to have general anasthetic and surgery to remove it, and then after the surgery I had this massive post-partum haemmorhage where I lost 2700 ml of blood - normal amount is 500-1000ml.

So I was lying in the recovery dept thinking 'This sucks' and then they kept coming up and giving me blood tests, and then, most grotacious thing EVER, there was this pulling sensation of something coming out of me, and they were yanking this long, red cloth from between my legs. A blood-soaked cloth. And I was like 'What the fuck is THAT?' and they said 'It's a tampon' but it wasn't like any tampon I had ever seen or ever want to see again. (They had packed the womb to stem the bleeding. Lovely.) And the next day I had to have a blood transfusion as well. And then I stayed in hospital for about four days. And now I am, like, 'anemic', and have to lie around in bed like a consumptive lady and eat iron pills and make my boyfriend do everything for me for a bit. Hurrah.

Anyway. So that is how Jimmy Payne (full name: Jeremiah James Kadri Payne) entered the world. Here are some pictures of him:

THUMBSUCKER

:SADFACE:

Cute huh?

eta: more pix on flickr if you want -

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ampnet/

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17.6.08

GOT OUT JIMMY!


WAVE, originally uploaded by ampster.

Jimmy just got home from the hospital. Five days old today! He says hi. More pix and TRAUMATIC BIRTH STORY (be warned: includes the words 'postpartum haemorrhage') soon!


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12.6.08

INDUCTION

Going to be induced today. Check twitter for updates. Wish me luck!

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11.6.08

WIKIPEDIA ENTRY

Please find here my wonderful, long-lost Wikipedia entry (created by some guy who thinks I am the worst music journalist in Britian, and sadly deleted by humourless boring Wikipedia robots some months afterwards).

Miss Amp
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Miss Amp is the pen name of British journalist, dubstep MC, pirate radio owner, singer, and stable girl Ann-Margaret Parabahn (born 1978, Winchester). Her areas of interest are femininity in rock, modern hip-hop, equine matters and lower division football. She is a vocal and prominent fan of Oswestry Town, and in 2007 ran for the position of club chairman.

Contents

* 1 Work
* 2 Involvement With The Insane Clown Posse
* 3 Controversy
o 3.1 Horse Death
o 3.2 Wrestling Injury
o 3.3 Tim Pope
o 3.4 Fictional Cannibal
o 3.5 Criticisms of Criss Angel
* 4 Personal Life
* 5 Trivia
* 6 Noteable Articles

Work

As well as writing for Plan B and Marmalade about bands as varied and wide as Ten Pole Tudor and Obie Trice, Parabahn runs her own zine website SuSu. She has sung in now defunct London-based alt-pop group Bunnybrains. She has also written in a freelance capacity for The Guardian, The Times, Power Slam, Drowned in Sound, The Wire, Hip Hop Connection, Horse and Hound and When Saturday Comes. One of the articles on Susu, about "great British icons", was later adapted into the adverts for meat that feature Ian Botham and Allan Lamb. Parabahn was not paid for these adverts, but did supply the voice of Dickie Bird on the most recent commercials. Her time as an intern at Melody Maker in the mid 90s coincided with an interview with Trip Shakespeare. The lead singer of TS later used Amp as the inspiration for a single by his new band, Semisonic, entitled Closing Time.

Involvement With The Insane Clown Posse

Amp claims her mid-teens as "one long lost weekend". Many speculate this was because of her involvement with American rap group Insane Clown Posse. She was crowned the UK's no 1 Juggalo in 1998 and was briefly president of their UK fanclub around the same time. ICP rapper Shaggy 2 Dope described her as "a real cool kid", and also encouraged her to "stay in school" and not to "mess with drugs".

Controversy

Horse Death


Parabahn also works as a stable girl for Henrietta Knight's yard, and is believed to have attempted suicide after the death of Best Mate. It is believed that she was roused from her drug induced coma by Craig T Nelson.

Wrestling Injury

Parabahn is the niece of Kenta Kobashi and spent six months in a wheelchair in 2001 after goading him into performing the Burning Hammer on her by talking in a comically exaggerated Japanese accent for the entirety of that year. Parabahn attributes her survival to Kobashi's use of a less dangerous wrist-clutch variant of the move.

Tim Pope


In April 2006, a hoax spread alleging that Tim Pope was fashioned entirely from paper; it later emerged that Parabahn had started the hoax with an April fools piece in the Village Voice. The joke backfired when it emerged that a disillusioned Cure fan had committed suicide as a result.

Fictional Cannibal

It has been alleged that the character of Annabel Way in Hanif Kureshi's Word And The Bomb is based on Parabahn. The character, a journalist and zinester who uses the alias Ultragrrl, is fairly similar to Parabhan but eats human flesh. For this reason Parabhan laughs off the comparisons. In a recent article she stated: "I'm not a cannibal. Nor am I fictional. For those reasons alone it would seems a mistake to label me a fictional cannibal!"

Criticisms of Criss Angel

In a February 2007 article in The Guardian, Parabahn called for the rape and torture of US stage magician Criss Angel, based on Angel's opposition to her plans for Oswestry Town, which included an expansion of their home ground and an audacious bid for Aston Villa reserve team striker Zoltan Stieber. The piece was met with widespread condemnation, not least from Angel, who is anti-rape.

Personal Life


She is currently dating Darren Mitchellstork, chairman of Plan B's soccerball team. She was at one point engaged to Kenny Lynch. She has recently stated she wants to adopt a Chinese baby and that people should do this rather than get pets.

Trivia


Parabahn has a tattoo of Jomo Kenyatta on her left buttock.

Parabahn's similarity to Kanye West has earned her the nickname "Kanye East".

During her teens, Parabahn was a leading advocate for the inclusion of dominoes as an Olympic sport.

Parabahn's favourite single of all time, according to a post on her blog, is "Movin' Out" by Billy Joel

Noteable Articles

Her Articles Include:

From Caliban to the Taliban: Literature in the War Zone, The Times May 2004

Loving The Alien: My Life As A Zak McKracken Devotee, RetroGamer, April 2004

Horses for Courses! The Myth of Equine Intelligence, Horse and Hound July 2004

Lights, Camera, Zach-tion! How Braff Took On Hollywood and Made Indie Rock Cool, TV Times December 2005

No Name, No Gimmicks: Introducing Obie Trice, Plan B August 2005

God of the Hammers: My Uncle and How Pro Wrestling Noah Saved Wrestling, Powerslam December 2005

J Dilla! J Dilla! J Dilla! RIP We Hardly Knew Ye, obituary Sunday Times February 2006

Paper-l Infallibility: Is Tim Pope Made Out of What He Claims to be Made Out of? Village Voice 2006

The Blood On Our Hands: The Correlation Between 'Scrubs' And The Excesses of Late Capitalism, New Statesman, January 2007

Hit with the Magic Stick: Why Criss Angel Is Ruining Welsh Football, The Guardian, February 2007

http://www.susu.org

Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miss_Amp"

Category: Fictional cannibals

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8.6.08

THE WHIZ BIZ

I went to all that trouble to teach myself to pee standing up (yes, there is nothing I will stop at in the name of investigative journalism, folks) but now there are all kinds of devices so you don't need to do that! And this latest one, the Whizbiz, has the added bonus of scaring ugly men you accidentally slept with out of your house mere seconds after you wake up. What's not to love?



[via dollymix]

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7.6.08

WORLD'S FIRST INSTANT MESSENGER INDUCTION

Sophie: oh i got you a baby
AMP: thank fuck!
AMP: this one's clearly not working out properly
Sophie: maybe just a little sleepy?
AMP: just lazy and hates deadlines
can't think who he takes after in that
Sophie: no me neither
although why your baby would take after ME i have no idea
AMP: hee hee
Sophie: maybe i am The Real Father
AMP: he's born to freelance
Sophie: that could be a new bruce springsteen song
Born To Freelance
Sophie: so this baby
shall i get a big poking stick?
maybe tickle you with a feather duster
AMP: dunno, i've tried everything
sex, jumping on trampoline, eating pineapples, eating spicy food
nipple twiddling
raspberry leaf tea
EVERYTHING
Sophie: hahah
happpppy thoughts
little baby come out of your bum
come out, come out
AMP: yay
today i hope
GET OUT JIMMY
Sophie: maybe i could induce him
via IM
AMP: do it
Sophie: would that be a first?
AMP: shove a virtual pessary
Sophie: hmm
AMP: up my virtual front bum
i'm ready
Sophie: yeah baby
AMP: i'm braced
Sophie: PESSARY
PESSARY
MAKE AMP'S FRONT BUM A MESSARY
AMP: gneeee
i think it's working
Sophie: HERE IS VIRTUAL LABOUR
FROM AN INTERNET SAVIOUR
AMP: SQUEAL
Sophie: JIMMY JIMMY YOU'RE INDUCED
Sophie: ITS OVER NINE MONTHS SINCE YOUR PARENTS REPRODUCED
SO COME ON JIMMY
FEEL THE PESSARY FROTHING AND SLIDING
AND MAKE TONIGHT THE NIGHT
FOR YOUR WINKIE TO START SUBSIDING
DOWN THE VALLEY THEY CALL MAMA
ALONG THE FJORDS OF AMP
TRY TO JEMMY YOUR WAY OUT
DOWN THE BABY RAMP
AMP: sophus, you're a geniass
Sophie: is it there yet? oof i heard a splat
AMP: eep
Sophie: little swedish baby
AMP: i think the baby is....
BROWN
Sophie: OH WOW
its like a benetton advert
AMP: no wait
wait
IT'S GINGER!
Sophie: a brown, ginger, scandinavian baby
OH WOW
ITS BROWN AND GINGER
it's a double-whammy. a double-jimmy
AMP: good old jimmy
AMP: GET OUT JIMMY
AMP: GET OUT JIMMY
AMP: GET OUT JIMMY

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5.6.08

GIANT CUNT ROAMS FINNISH STREETS


lol: giant vulva bicycle taxi

[via salon broadsheet]

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3.6.08

OVERDUE BLUES

violet bearegardeI've got to at least *try*.

I want so much to be upbeat and hurrahtastic about life, in my writing at least. Writing is magic: it turns mundanity to gold. Even the dullest party can seem a little bit glittery when you write it down, even if all you did was watch strangers dance while your best friend gets off with a boy in a toilet and you get rejected by a gay man when you weren't even after anything from him, not even a line.

But the reason this blog's been so dead is because, well, the last few weeks of pregnancy really ARE as shitty as everyone says they are, and who wants to write / read about that?

Well, me. I do. Inspired by Baby on Bored, a whingetastic blog if ever there was one, I have decided to just fucking go for it. Whinge for Britain. I've also been greatly enjoying whinging on Mumsnet with other people in the same boat as I am, e.g., several days past the day when the baby was magically supposed to hear a big ding-dong DEALINE EMERGENCY BEEP BEEP WHUP WHUP bell going off and start heaving itself out of my vagina - oops sorry, i mean 'birth canal'. (Love that image, as anyone who is familiar with Regent's Canal will understand. Though perhaps it is not as distant as I might hope, as several of my friends have drunkenly tumbled into Regent's Canal, and several of my friends have also drunkenly tumbled into my 'birth canal', though the rates of survival do seem to be higher from the latter, cases of infection far more rare, and an ambulance was only required for extraction that one time).

Anyway. I digress. Though I sit here at eight in the morning after another sleepless night, with my swollen feet plunged in a bowl of ice-cold water, and a frozen flannel beside my laptop ready to apply to my carpal-tunnel-plagued wrists and fingers every half-sentence or so, and though my belly is so big with child that I look like Violet Beauregarde just before she had to be rolled out of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, I must write.

If I do not write, I will explode. I no longer care about public image, maintaining a persona, or turning shit into gold through the alchemy of textual intercourse. Sometimes, shit is just shit. And the last few weeks of pregnancy, with a baby inside you that refuses to budge? It's shit. And it's time I started to admit that.

Watch this space.

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THIS IS THE AMP BLOG

in-the-bathroom AMPNET is edited by AMP, a freelance writer from London. The site developed from a print fanzine called AMP MINIZINE. To find out more, please see our press section, or contact us.

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PLAN B = R.I.P
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BIRTH STORY
GOT OUT JIMMY!
INDUCTION
WIKIPEDIA ENTRY
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WORLD'S FIRST INSTANT MESSENGER INDUCTION

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