28.4.08

CUTE ALERT - BABY OUTFIT UPDATE

Yeah that's right bitches, it's time for your CUTE ALERT baby outfit update, and nothing you do or say - no twitch of your eyelids, no jaded eyeroll, no cocked brow, nada - can dissuade me from it. Maybe you didn't sign up for a parenting blog when you clicked the RSS feed for AMPnet but tough tits, sweetpea. It's mama time now.

With no further ado, the two places every discerning newborn should be shopping are:

1) THREADLESS KIDS



2) AMERICAN APPAREL BABY



How cute are the Threadless hoodsies? And the mini wifebeater vests with the karate pants from AA (I know their ads are evil and sexist but whatever, so are blue-for-boys / pink-for-girls baby outfits, and at least they don't do that.)

Anyways. I know. Threadless and AA. I'm such a cliche. But what are you gonna do? It's that (plus Retrokinder on Etsy, not that I can afford it) or Mothercare. And fuck Mothercare, you know? Fuck Baby Gap. The end.

This post has been brought to you by the MY BRAIN HAS GONE TO SHIT, FUCK WRITING, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE BABY THAT IS DUE TO COME OUT OF MY FANJITA IN BETWEEN 2-6 WEEKS TIME, SORRY DUDES association of Great Britain / Sweden. Check back soon for more of the inane same!

Labels: , , ,


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|

21.4.08

READY TO POP


It’s finally happened. No, no the baby coming out, dumbass. A WORSE thing. I have… I have… SWOLLEN UP like a fat pregnant fuck. No. Stop that right now. I know MOST women swell up when they’re pregnant. But I am not MOST WOMEN, I am me, miss AMP, and I do not do things MOST WOMEN do unless I am doing them in some kind of retro-kitsch ironic self-observing kind of way (like, “Wow, look, I’m getting dumped while having a miscarriage and the boy would rather DJ than pick me up from hospital and now I appear to be crying as though I have like a broken heart or some shit! This is amazing!”, etc.*)

ATYPICAL GIRL


Yes, I have had a totally non-MOST WOMEN pregnancy. Getting up the duff was acheived with ridiculous speed / ease, desite my advanced years (e.g. over 30 omg WITHERED OVARY ALERT WARNING CAREER WOMAN AHEAD SELFISH SELFISH), helped along no doubt by the fact that the baby’s father (a nubile 23 at time of conception) and I had not long been acquainted with each other, were ridiculously attracted to each other and were more than happy to spend our days and nights at it like bonobos luxuriating in a sea of high-sperm-count emissions. (Gross? No, hot.) Then, ok, the first trimester was totally not a blast (knackered and alientated in cold dark country) but hey! no puking or anything much really, and most of all, NO WEIGHT GAIN. Yes, I am different to every other female person, HEAR ME ROAR.

THE WORLD’S FIRST SKINNY PREGGO

Of course, this lack of weight gain was mainly due to me not being a skinny little bastard to begin with. O you can imagine the joy, nay, the smugness, that swept across my curvaceous form as I observed previously skinny women in roughly the same stage of pregnancy as me blossom in hip, thigh, calf, ankle, wrist, elbow, rib, cheek, chin, neck and face while I did not. I bumped into one girl from my Swedish class - we had not seen each other since our first trimesters - and could barely recognise her, she was so puffed of face. How my insides rejoiced! As for me, the scales resolutely refused to budge through first, second and into the third trimesters, while I actually GOT THINNER (apart from the babylump, obvs). Gosh, I would say, observing my newly-emerging cheekbones and collarbones in the bathroom at work, hearing the concerned coos of my co-workers, I am the first person to lose weight during pregnancy in the entire history of the world! This is so excellent! I rule so hard! And I would side my hand over my ‘bump’ and congratulate it for being on mama’s side and helping her pregnancy be awesome.

EDEMA ATTACKS

Yeah well. FUCK THAT IN THE MANGINA. Ever since I hit week 35 last week I’ve woken up with painful joints in my fingers, and a tingling swollen numbness in my hands (a rather unfortunate condition for a professional (hah!) writer, I’m sure you’ll agree.) Googling reveals this to be ‘edema’ (normal preggo swelling) and ‘carpal tunnel syndrome’ (normally an RSI thing, but the edema fucks your wrists up which fucks up your hands and fingers till they hurt so much you can barely hold a toothbrush, let alone type). And a quick peep in the mirror reveals it to be true elsewhere as well - I have POPPED! I have SWOLLEN! I am on verge of EXPLOSION! Fuck it, I am fat. I am repulsive.

FAT - IT’S THE TITS!

Don’t take the last two sentences too serious - I’m down with being less-than-slender normally. Why wouldn’t you be? You have tits, which are basically the best things in the universe. If your stomach bothers you that much you can get into dressing like a 1950s diva in vintage shapewear that smooths out all the lumps and makes you look like Betty Page or some shit (in yr head anyway, and it’s what’s in your head and in your boyfriend’s head that counts, right?) You can take Egyptian Dance classes and learn how to shake yr thang (to experience a delightful inversion of the normal status quo, just take a few classes and observe how much more awesome at the dance are those who can quiver their flesh like a jelly, and just how dejected that makes the taut of belly and tight of butt).

And, of course, your boyfriends are not going to be the kind of Maxim-man that considers Kate Winslet to be a heifer, are they. No, they will be the kind who’ll revel in your flesh and delight in lifting your tits in their hands as though their hands are a human bra, admiring your breasts’ weight and heft, dimpling your stomach with adoring fingermarks, slapping your ass every time you pass, deriding your skinnier predecessors, till you are left in no doubt that, contrary to what every magazine you’ve ever read has said, yours is truly the most ideal and delicious body ever to grace womankind. Futhermore, as someone who is already curvy and therefore not considered acceptable by normal societal beauty standards, you will, if you’re sensible, have learned to locate your self-worth elsewhere (“I may not be a size 10, but fuck it, I can write, hand-code HTML, wire a plug, do the Times crossword in 8 minutes, spot a Bertoia wireframe chair in a junkheap, and tie a cherry stalk in a knot with my tongue...’ No flies on you, fatgrrrl! Just an awesome new stomach that wiggles when the baby moves around inside, and is all hard and peculiar and interesting, and makes you laugh when he kicks you by suprise. What’s not to like?

BIG FAT BLOATER

Yeah right. Nice attitude. And a hell of a lot easier to maintain when you haven’t gained any weight whatsoever during your pregnancy. Now, however, the tissues around my face are engorged; the aforementioned cheekbones are nowhere to be found; suddenly my rump extends in similar fashion to the belly, and the bulges upon thighs and hips prevent the wearing of that bump-clasping frock I was so delighted to sport last week. I AM A BIG FAT BLOATER. So much for being different to every other female pregnant person ever.

NOT LOOPHOLE WOMAN AFTER ALL

We all want to be the ‘loophole woman’**, don’t we? The exceptional one, not subject to normal prescribed rules or stereotypes of the female condition, up there with the best of the boys, moshing at gigs or heading up meetings while eight months pregnant; no different; no challenge; no threat. But it’s bullshit. Being pregnant is about surrender, I guess, and just sitting back and letting the thing inside you do as it wants, and use you as it wants, and ransack your body, as it wants. You’re not in the driving seat any more. As my midwife said to me about contractions last week - it’s going to happen to you anyway, so you might as well learn to relax about it. So yeah. Soap all the mirrors. Lock all the doors. I’m a big fat swollen butterball and I’m fine with it, HONEST. And hey - at least I don’t have stretchmarks!

_______

Readers! Don’t miss next week’s column, entitled: “O MY GOD I TOTALLY HAVE STRETCHMARKS”.

_______

*actual thing that happened in 2005

**Ariel Levy, Female Chauvinist Pigs: women and the rise of raunch culture, Simon & Schuster 2007

Labels: , , ,


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|

19.4.08

KNITTED TIE

I decided to knit something more complex than a scarf. Thought I'd make Jimmy a little Fair Isle tank top, in Opal yarn, a la Seth Cohen, that he could wear over t-shirts and stuff. *Big mistake*. Long thin metal needles. Grey wool. It was like knitting a smoker's lung. I went off knitting after that. Shame. But this? (Not for the baby. For adult males. Or sexy boyish females.) A knitted tie! Wow. I'm still a sucker for boys in ties. And a knitted tie will be even easier and quicker than a scarf! Hurrah, again, for knitting.

[Knitted tie,
from Dropped Stitches.]

Labels: , , , ,


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|

18.4.08

TAKE MY WIFE


fmm, originally uploaded by brainlove.

Here is a picture of my wife, kind of, from John Brainlove's Flickr. I am not sure why it is there (some nefarious purpose, no doubt) but I think it is cool.


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|

GIRLS LIKE US MAGAZINE



Lookety-look I have discovered a new magazine! It is about lesbians! It's created in Amsterdam and published in New York. It completely chiefs the Butt format (perhaps there's some crossover, what with the 'Dam connection?) of long talk-y interviews with interesting homos, with the interviewer and interviewee often familiar with each other, plus rude pictures of the interviewees if they are willing. It is truly a winning format.

The most recent issue had a very vague 'hair' theme, a cool centrefold and interviews with an SM lesbo porn maker (the interview was by her girlfriend) and that chick whose name escapes me who was a copywriter and fucked it off and drove a cab in NY instead, and, oh, you know, loads more, just the general BUTT-y kind of thing of conversations between interesting people you've never heard of but are glad you just did.

And the best thing of all? I now know what a lipster is! It's a lesbian hipster! (I wonder if the ladies behind thelipster.com know of this fact, for I must say that lesbo content is somewhat thin on the ground on that site.) Anyway, you can see the Girls Like Us website here or subscribe here and get a free Girls Like Us bandana. Hurrah!

Labels: , ,


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|

9.4.08

WORLD FREEZE DAY, STOCKHOLM

It was last week! I saw it! I dashed past, late for my Swedish class as usual. :(

Labels:


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|

8.4.08

WAXING NOSTALGIC

Shimura CurvesStronger




Aw, 2006! How quickly the present becomes the past.

Labels:


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|

7.4.08

I AM SO PREGGO


I AM SO PREGGO, originally uploaded by ampster.

look at that. fucking massive. apparently i have reached the stage where people are unable to see me as anything but "pregnant woman". i'm still in here though you know! quite normal!

Labels: , , ,


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|

5.4.08

ANIMATED MENSTRUAL CYCLE


Aw. Poor little egg. I also like the repetitious quality of the thing. Just like real life, apart from the welcome break provided by pregnancy. (My sister asked me if it was wierd not having periods and I was like 'hells no!'). I wonder whether, if you watched it for 50 years in a row, the uterus would eventually have a menopause? That'd be kind of cool.

[watch animation here] [via dollymix]

Labels: , ,


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|

3.4.08

REVOLUTION GRANSTYLE NOW!


I know getting old is going to be a bag of shit. Perhaps literally, who knows? My grandma's in the hospital right now and we don't know if she's going to be coming out. How depressing that must be, to sit there, in a ward of old ladies, and just not be able to dream that things might improve. BUT. Surely before everything goes terrible there's a few years when you can just chillax and kick back and take some cocaine and play some video games, or something? That's what I'm hoping for anyway. And I'm taking lessons from some of these HARDCORE KICKASS GERIATRIC LADIES what I done wrote about for the Lipster. Check it out!

[revolution grranstyle now!]

Labels:


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|

2.4.08

STREET LIFE, IT'S THE ONLY LIFE I KNOW

BRIDGE

stockholm continues its attempt to do an impression of a REAL CITY where a person might want to actually live without killing themselves by re-opening its market called 'street', where up'n'coming designers can sell stuff and where secondhand goods are also vended, apparently. i cannot tell you how much i have missed any kind of market here. a city without a market is like a body without a heart. even nose-in-air, dog-poo-on-shoe PARIS has its fleamarkets. amsterdam has the beautiful noordermarkt and the whole city becomes a massive jumble sale on april 30 every year. london is diamond-strung with spitalfields and greenwich and portobello and even grody old camden. but stockholm? why no dear, no market for you dear, go home now dear, gaze at ebay and dream dream dream of a city that throbs with mysteries and the challenge of rummaging gold from piles of shit for you will not find it here, dear...

DUCKS

except... that was a lie! stockholm just SHUTS DOWN for winter, and street is no exception. today street was overtaken by a book fair and various readings and stuff, which was useless for the girl who is still on beginner book 1 of how to speak swedo, so i cannot comment upon the quality of the place yet... but no matter. my heart is stirred by the mere existence of street, a place where, as the guy who set it up puts it:

"Street in Stockholm is a meeting place and stage for all people with creative, unusual, special, or just plain crazy creations or ideas. It doesn’t matter whether you have something to sell, say or show - Street is a place for hundreds of artists to sell their wares, and creators of events and happenings both large and small to meet their public."

amen to that. furthermore, street is a 3km walk from skanstull station, along the loveliest little stretch of river / woodland. past an open air swimming pool, past a park that leads onto a tiny beach where people swim in the water during summer. and the weather, today, was flawless - cloudless sky, bright sun and a brisk wind.

PIER

so. after we had perused the unintelligible swedish texts we bought coffee and cake and sat on a deck in the sun, by the water. i knitted the first few rows of jimmy's new jumper (64 stitches of moss stitch on 4mm needles - this project will either blind me or drive me mad!), gazed at the swedish hipsters and their babies in strollers, and thought that maybe, this summer, after jimmy comes out, it will be not be so terrible to be here after all. in fact, it might actually be quite fine.

Labels: , ,


Psst - Subscribe to AMPnet by RSS or email. It's simple and fun!

|
© AMP 2K+
 
THIS IS THE AMP BLOG

in-the-bathroom AMPNET is edited by AMP, a freelance writer from London. The site developed from a print fanzine called AMP MINIZINE. To find out more, please see our press section, or contact us.

ARCHIVES

RECENT COMMENTS

BLOGROLL
Keytars and Violins
Jessica Hopper
Dollymix
Fluxblog
Kieron Gillen
Unpop
UpsettheRhythm

CATEGORIES
FEMINISM
SEX
ZINES
MUSIC

RECENT POSTS
PLAN B = R.I.P
ON HIATUS
CHECK YR HEAD
SAYING HELLO TO DADDY
BIRTH STORY
GOT OUT JIMMY!
INDUCTION
WIKIPEDIA ENTRY
THE WHIZ BIZ
WORLD'S FIRST INSTANT MESSENGER INDUCTION

www.flickr.com
This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from ampster. Make your own badge here.


SUBSCRIBE BY EMAIL:

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner


SUBSCRIBE BY RSS: