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THURSDAY 23 SEPT
2004
 Out
now: the new Plan B
magazine. It is v. pretty, and features cutesy folk-harpist Joanna Newsom
on the cover.
Inside are many rad things, some of them even by me, such as:
1) An interview with top grimette MC Shystie.
2) A chat about vaginal deodorant with Har Mar Superstar.
3) Dj/rupture explaining how he's 'replicating the improvisational patterns
of the Arabic taqasim in electronic music'.
4) Details of how to play 'Ooh I'm Skinnyman' - it's the hott new game
that all the Dalston fashionistas just can't get enough of.
Plus other stuff not by me, including rad-proggers Comets on Fire, synth-poppers
Le Tigre, jap-boppers (that's enough - ed) 5,6,7,8s, and oooh loads more.
Get your copy from Borders, or order one off the Plan
B website.
And while you're there, don't forget to check out my
wife's weblog, for fascinating insights into her/our domestic
life, plus lots of clever talking about music that I don't really understand.
Going fishing now. Back Sept 30. Hah!
Your face here? Send
us some links!
WEDNESDAY 25 AUGUST 2004
Men! I know you've been gagging to discover some effective ways to crush
your own balls in your own home using a variety of household
implements! Here you go. Don't forget the top tip - wrap an elastic band
around them and then don a pair of tight lycra cycling shorts before you
start, just to make sure those tricksy buggers don't try to get away.
Y'all have fun now!
The new Bust is out.
Hurrah! And, gosh, someone's invented a way to LOCK
YOURSELF OUT OF THE INTERNET so you can actually get on with
some work! It's like the opposite of Ghostzilla.
I know which one I'd rather have.
Anyway! Palm-reading is so eight million years ago. It's all about pube-reading
now, darling. According to those krazy Jap-types, the
shape of a lady's pubic hair determines her sexual proclivities.
And if she ain't got any? I think we all know what that means, right?
Unless she's five.
Your face here? Send
us some links!
TUESDAY 24 AUGUST 2004
 
'Check this grodey shit out!' writes our top drunk girl journo Alice.
' For just $47.99 you can dress
your precious innocent up like a pimp or a ho! Perfect for
birthdays, Halloween, and celebrating the day the patriachy finally becomes
a boot stamping on the face of humanity over and over for the rest of
time!'
Wash your mind out by downloading this wukkid
Shystie track 'Get Boyed'. Over a dancehall rhythm, the little
MC from Hackney tells men with small... feet that they might as well not
bother even talking to her, and warns men with big feet not to get too
damn confident either since most of them suck too, and by the way, they
all need to go get circumcised, because 'no girl wanna see cock-line
mildew!' Eyyyyyy! *salutes Shystie*
Your face here? Send
us some links!
TUESDAY 17 AUGUST 2004
Further to the previous entry: a
song that my wife* made for me on the songmachine! Here we
are singing it (several years before it was written, and with our mouths
closed). Awww! We looked so happy - and we weren't even married back then!
*wife = BFF, flatmate, soulmate ALL AT ONCE! Every girl should have one.
And send her a song.
TUESDAY 17 AUGUST 2004
This
thing is so cute! What it is, it's lots of little words cut
out of songs, which the internet then sticks together and turns into a
new song! You can create a tune and mail it to a friend and make their
day! I sent my wife a song about the cowboy. The device hasn't quite reached
the level of being able to rap Sir Mix-A-Lot's 'I
Like Big Butts' in Greek yet - a prerequisite for any modern
appliance, don't you think? - but it can only be a matter of time. All
together now:
"I like big butts and I am not being untruthful
Verily, the maiden has a back!"
WEDNESDAY 28 JULY 2004
 Hi,
could it be a bit more creepy and gross to go to the dentist, please?
I really don't think all the pain and fear and poking is unpleasant enough
to put me off at this point, so could you make some grody guy
inject his spunk down a few women's throats while
they're semi-conscious in his chair? That ought to do it. Thanks!
Your face here? Send
us some links!
FRIDAY 23 JULY 2004
 "When
male music critics write about [Courtney]
Love, their prose often spasms with a kind of revolted body
horror. The following elements, real or imagined, all contribute: the
pills, the trackmarks, the promiscuity, the plastic surgery." Word.
Free Love!
Men, meat, pirates, plagiarism, shabby-chic and duct-tape accessories:
not, as you might think, just another Sunday afternoon at our delightful
local The Stud Farm - all these things are
the new black, apparently! Goth dressing just got
a whole lot more interesting.
Whoo, check it out: "IMWatching
is a free web service that lets you generate reports of when your instant
messaging buddies log on, log off, go idle, mark themselves away, and
more." Holy crap. Online stalking just got that little bit more...stalkery.
I dig all those getcrafty.com type sites, but sometimes they don't always
show you how to make stuff you'd actually wanna make. Like, punk rock
sock monkey? Crocheted skull? Cute, but, hey! there's enough SHIT all
over my room and in my life already, thanks! But an internet
radio show... yeah.... that's something I'd like to make.
And now, thanks to supernaturale.com,
I might just be able to. Hurrah!
And finally... where the fuck are they gonna find 1,000 modern men that
want to be fathers?
Come on...
Your face here? Send
us some links!
TUESDAY 20 JULY 2004
 Bring
on tha freaks! Today's entry is devoted to fems who are twisted, unusual,
bizarro and/or just plain inspiring. My favourite kind! First off: 'She
wore an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, blood-soaked red-and-black bikini'
- whup whup, it's the Zombie
Pin-ups! Marvel at their weeping sores! Shudder at their
exposed tendons! Fear their flashing yellow eyes! Zombie Pin-ups - because
what man *doesn't*
want to make it with a suppurating dead girl?
(don't answer that).
And now: Defyra, a
group of Swedish girl interior designers, who make red reindeer heads,
water-glasses with waists, forest wallpapers and interiors studded with
magic mushrooms. They dress in traditional costumes and make chairs out
of skis. Kewt! They could only be more perfect if they made records also.
Someone sign these chicas, pronto!
 How
to combine fashion, art, politics and cootchie. Sure, slogan t-shirts
are generally pretty shuddersome, but slogan pants still got it goin'
on, not least because most people don't have to see them. And as slogan
pants go, these 'The
Only Bush I Trust Is My Own' pants are pretty darn sweet.
The chick behind this clothing company started it 'entirely
by accident' - she was spotted wearing a t-shirt of her own design
and, inspired by the Guerilla Girls and Barbara Kreuger, decided to take
her slogan art that little bit further. Now us UK types just need to find
as good a pun for 'Blair', and we're sorted. Anyone?
Sonya 'The Black Widow' Thomas
is the women's world competitive eating champion, and also holds the American
record. She ate 32 hot dogs (including the bun) in 12 minutes, then, when
they called time, put down her hot dog, then picked it up again and resumed
eating. 'Afterwards', she told an American mag, 'I was still hungry, so
when I got back to my hotel, I ordered a club sandwich.' I have an unshakable
urge to salute any fem who makes it in a man's world, regardless of whether
or not that world is unsavoury, unethical or a demonstration of the reason
for America's obesity problem taken to its logical extreme. Others
are not so sure. (check the comments).
Your face here? Send
us some links!
FRIDAY 16 JULY 2004
Gents! Why bother having a real girlfriend, with all those inconvenient
things that girls tend to have, like emotions and menstrual cycles, when
you can get one of these imaginary
ones? Or why not check out these Supermodel
Personals? Because supermodels need love too, y'know.
Having followed the advice given in the estimable Amy Kellner's article
Hey
DJ, Fuck You!, I have now 'played out' a total of two times!
*salutes self*. It is my new favourite thing. I like to dj with my sister.
She slides the thingy across, while I make sure to press play at exactly
the right time. When we get it right we do a little high five. It's delightful!
So if you would like a selection of sexist booty bass and sleazy electro
and suchlike to be played at your shop opening / art show / club night
by two very wonderful girls, get in touch!
TUESDAY 13 JULY 2004
 'Even
if this type of bra make your breast low, no concern of mine'.
A revolutionary approach to underwear design, from the same godlike genius
that brought us the
hanty.
Further proof that boys just can't get enough of counting things: good
old Rob from cockeyed.com
has worked out that there
are 600,426,974,379,824,381,952 possible ways to spell Viagra!
Better clear your diary for the next year or so - s'gonna take a while
to adjust those spam filters.
 As well
as counting, another thing that men are really good at is: collecting
things! For no reason whatsoever, this lovely man has decided to collect
second-hand pictures (not rude ones!!!!) of women
and dogs. That's it. Thrifted pictures of women and dogs,
together, in the same photo. Thousands of them. That's so perfectly retarded
that it makes me want to do a little cry.
Think you're having a bad day? At least you're not
the Winnebago
Man! (requires Quicktime). Thank god no one taught him how
to say 'cunt'...
And finally...Anime
fan in 'has sex' shocker! Don't tell all the Jap-obsessed
indie boys: they'll only get jealous.
Your face here? Send
us some links!
MONDAY 12 JULY 2004
Worried about the safety of your iPod when wandering round scary, rough,
dodgy areas like, say, my manor Hackney
(seen here through the eyes of a fellow blogger who says 'Unfortunate
enough to live in Hackney, I console myself by appreciating the nutcases
I meet every day')? Why not chazz an old Walkman and make yourself a Retropod?
The subtle way to let people know you're Jonathan Io's greatest fan while
keeping those pesky muggers at bay!
Your face here? Send
us some links!
FRIDAY 09 JULY 2004
It's time for Blaire to get married!
Blaire is a 'confident, creative, spiritual independent woman' who you
might think 'doesn't need any help' (apart from help from the contrast
tool in Photoshop, but then, who doesn't?) getting married. Hm. Can't
quite decide how to take this one. Is she:
a) A go-getting fem chasing a goal and therefore something
to be celebrated, as everything a woman does now empowers women, even
really crappy things
b) A lame desperate man-chaser attempting to buy into boring old played-out
tradition
c ) A savvy marketing genius who's just turned herself into another self-styled
web celeb, thereby driving up traffic on her career-related websites which
are cannily linked to from the homepage of her site (she coaches singles
on improving their self-esteem and is an event planner for people getting
married)?
Place your bets now!
Your face here? Send
us some links!
THURSDAY 01 JULY 2004
Bristol-based hip-hop fanzine DUTTY GIRL and long-time AMP contributer
Lady Lucy's Independent
Heroine feminist arts imprint join together for a Hip-Hop
Herstory residency on Radio Dialect. The first show discussed 'the foremothers
of hip-hop', and over the next three weeks they'll be exploring female
hip-hop pioneers from Roxanne Shante and Ran Digga to Li'l Kim and The
RealRoxanne. Tuesday nights, radiodialect.net,
7-8pm. AMP mininzine says: check it out!
Your face here? Send
us some links!
MONDAY 28 JUNE 2004
Here's what I want you to do.
1) Go to Electrobleep.com
2) Select artist: 'Avenue D'
3) Playlist all their tracks
4) Read this live review of
them (also appears in Plan B magazine)
So. Are you sitting comfortably? Avenue D - Debbie and Daphne - are two
of the rudest, sluttiest girls I think I've ever heard. Beyond proud to
be 'freaky bitches', they'd send most indie boys running to the other
side of the room in an instant, their hands between their thighs to protect
their indie tweezer dicks. Sample lyrics:
Fuck me hard / pull my hair / grab my neck / fill me up with cum and
sweat/
I don't give a shit / come on my tits / make me twitch / I'm a dirty bitch
Bend over / shut your eyes / grit your teeth / spread your thighs
Beat me beat me beat me up / in your rusty pick-up truck
Throw me down / treat me rough / don't come till I've had enough
Talk about topping from the bottom. It's like the chicks from Max Hardcore
films or throatpokers.com given voice to a soundtrack of booty bass and
commodore 64 beats. Look forward to a big phat feature interview with
them in a future issue of Plan B, in which we discuss masochism, indie
boys, wimpsters, feminism (second wave, third wave, 'ecriture feminine',
whatever), plus internet porn, face-slapping, asphyxia, the uses of the
SID chip, and the best ways to meet dirty boys rough enough to meet their
exacting demands. Of course, this interview hasn't happened yet, but I
am going to make it happen, and I can hardly wait.
Avenue D website
(buy me a pair of booty shorts!)
Plan B website
(buy yo'self a copy of the magazine!)
Electrobleep.com
(irritate other listeners by playing the same four tracks again
and again!)
Your face here? Send us some
links!
MONDAY 14 JUNE 2004
 Right
sluts - fAsHiOn cOrNeR tImE! Jew-lo pants, what would Barbara Streisland
do t-shirts - yup, it's Jewish
chic! Time to bust out the Jew-fro and challah tee, dress
the dog in a doggy yarmulke and tallis and crank the 50
Shekel up to 11...
Or, alternatively, fuck fashion! If you are doing a sad because Cheap
Date's International Fashion Strike got cancelled, never mind.
You can protest against built-in obsolescence and the eternal cycle of
continuing co-option (translation: what wankers fashion ppl are) in a
more subversive and artistic way by joining The
Grey Sweatsuit Revolution! Hark:
"The battle against fashion needs to be fought differently. We
cannot simply dress weirder than the mainstream in an attempt to dull
our sense of complicity with western consumer society. Dissent through
conscious differentiation simply feeds the fashion system by providing
it with fresh expression to appropriate."
Their solution? Hipsters dress in grey sweatsuits for, like,
ever, the mainstream fashion world has nothing to co-opt, and fashion
DIES! Hah! Plus, people stop wasting time using silly old clothes as a
form of expression, and have to start doing something useful with their
time, like making art, or music, or campaigning against landmines in Somalia
or whatever. It'll never catch on.
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And now, wandering over to iNdIE mUsIc LAnD... some of our favourite
things are beautiful music, beautiful gayboys, and A5 pink magazines.
See them all combined into one glorious whole as perennial AMP fave fagmag
BUTT interviews
Joel
Gibb from the Hidden
Cameras. In case you ain't heard of them, and I'm sure you have, the
Hidden Cameras are this fabulous indie-pop guitary choral churchy folky
harmony-drenched bunch of hardcore gayers that sing about piss sex and
enemas and banning marriage for homos and being in and out of love, and
you should totally go and buy all their records right this second, unless
you are dead on the inside or something, in which case stick to Evanescence.
But then: why listen to the whole of glorious pop songs when you can
just listen to the coolest song parts? And then, why not make a list of
the fifty
coolest song parts in the entire world? And then, why not
completely fuck it up by suggesting that the coolest song part in the
entire world is THE
BIT WHEN THE DRUMS FINALLY KICK IN IN PHIL COLLINS'S IN THE AIR TONIGHT?
Hello? If this is irony, someone should forward them the irony-is-dead
memo that the rest of the world got a couple years back. And if this isn't
irony, someone should just kill me - or them - now. I don't really mind
which, just as long as it's soon.
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 Doesn't
it suck when someone does a magazine you've been meaning to do for ages
but were just too lame to get your shit together and actually do? No,
because at least said magazine actually exists, and god it looks good.
Check out Sweet Action
Magazine, which features skinny-ass dirty-hott hipster boys
in their pants, and, errr, that's about it. Hurrah! It's independent magazines
like this which make you think maybe the world's not such a shit place
after all, and you realise that, though we've got a long way to go, baby
(equal pay for
equal work would be a nice place to start, for example) things sho'
nuff are changing for the better for us ladies.
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HEY L@@K - Christian
anime! Therefore, with no tentacle rape, eyeballs being ripped
out and placed in vaginas, or 12-year-old schoolgirls with cat ears and
melon-breasts getting raped by their own brothers! Which sucks! It's like...
low-fat ice-cream or something! It's like: why? Christians should just
accept that there are some things they're just *not* allowed to co-opt.
I mean, they get to have everlasting life and to eat the sweet flesh of
Jesus every single Sunday night - why should they get anime too? That
just ain't on.
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Your face here? Send us some
links!
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