They put a balloon thing in to dilate the cervix. Then they broke the waters. Then they put me on this oxytocin drip thing to induce contractions and kept turning it up and up.
Contractions were absolute agony, gas and air did fuck all, epidural didn't do much either - it took away the contraction pain and allowed me to re-enter the human world, and get some rest, but it didn't take away the pressure of ENORMOUS BABY TRAVELLING DOWN **** . I always thought the scary bit of that would be the stretching / tearing feeling but it was more the sense of my bones just not being big enough for it to come out - the sense that my pelvis would snap - that was the most awful.
They kept saying 'Come on! Your baby is nearly here!' but by that point I didn't give a shit. All I wanted was for there to be some way for it to just stop happening, so I could get a rest. I kicked my boyfriend and sister out of the delivery room, btw. I didn't want people who I had to have a social relationship with seeing me in that groaning, growling animal state.
Anyway! Then the baby finally came out, hurrah, and they put him on my chest. And it was a good, quick delivery (if you can call 10 hours of the most excruciating agony a human can feel and still live 'quick') - the induction started at 10am and he was out by 8pm. No external tears (small one inside, 2 stitches), no instruments required for delivery, no episiostomy. Yay.
But then the stupid placenta wouldn't come out because my body just totally couldn't be assed to push that out too. So then I had to have general anasthetic and surgery to remove it, and then after the surgery I had this massive post-partum haemmorhage where I lost 2700 ml of blood - normal amount is 500-1000ml.
So I was lying in the recovery dept thinking 'This sucks' and then they kept coming up and giving me blood tests, and then, most grotacious thing EVER, there was this pulling sensation of something coming out of me, and they were yanking this long, red cloth from between my legs. A blood-soaked cloth. And I was like 'What the fuck is THAT?' and they said 'It's a tampon' but it wasn't like any tampon I had ever seen or ever want to see again. (They had packed the womb to stem the bleeding. Lovely.) And the next day I had to have a blood transfusion as well. And then I stayed in hospital for about four days. And now I am, like, 'anemic', and have to lie around in bed like a consumptive lady and eat iron pills and make my boyfriend do everything for me for a bit. Hurrah.
Anyway. So that is how Jimmy Payne (full name: Jeremiah James Kadri Payne) entered the world. Here are some pictures of him:
Sophie: oh i got you a baby AMP: thank fuck! AMP: this one's clearly not working out properly Sophie: maybe just a little sleepy? AMP: just lazy and hates deadlines can't think who he takes after in that Sophie: no me neither although why your baby would take after ME i have no idea AMP: hee hee Sophie: maybe i am The Real Father AMP: he's born to freelance Sophie: that could be a new bruce springsteen song Born To Freelance Sophie: so this baby shall i get a big poking stick? maybe tickle you with a feather duster AMP: dunno, i've tried everything sex, jumping on trampoline, eating pineapples, eating spicy food nipple twiddling raspberry leaf tea EVERYTHING Sophie: hahah happpppy thoughts little baby come out of your bum come out, come out AMP: yay today i hope GET OUT JIMMY Sophie: maybe i could induce him via IM AMP: do it Sophie: would that be a first? AMP: shove a virtual pessary Sophie: hmm AMP: up my virtual front bum i'm ready Sophie: yeah baby AMP: i'm braced Sophie: PESSARY PESSARY MAKE AMP'S FRONT BUM A MESSARY AMP: gneeee i think it's working Sophie: HERE IS VIRTUAL LABOUR FROM AN INTERNET SAVIOUR AMP: SQUEAL Sophie: JIMMY JIMMY YOU'RE INDUCED Sophie: ITS OVER NINE MONTHS SINCE YOUR PARENTS REPRODUCED SO COME ON JIMMY FEEL THE PESSARY FROTHING AND SLIDING AND MAKE TONIGHT THE NIGHT FOR YOUR WINKIE TO START SUBSIDING DOWN THE VALLEY THEY CALL MAMA ALONG THE FJORDS OF AMP TRY TO JEMMY YOUR WAY OUT DOWN THE BABY RAMP AMP: sophus, you're a geniass Sophie: is it there yet? oof i heard a splat AMP: eep Sophie: little swedish baby AMP: i think the baby is.... BROWN Sophie: OH WOW its like a benetton advert AMP: no wait wait IT'S GINGER! Sophie: a brown, ginger, scandinavian baby OH WOW ITS BROWN AND GINGER it's a double-whammy. a double-jimmy AMP: good old jimmy AMP: GET OUT JIMMY AMP: GET OUT JIMMY AMP: GET OUT JIMMY