10.2.08

IT'S NESTING, JIM, BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT


So preggos are supposed to be all about the ‘nesting’, right?

"Nesting instinct refers to a biological urge in pregnant animals to prepare a home for the upcoming newborn. In human females, the nesting instinct occurs around the fifth month of pregnancy. It is commonly characterized by a strong urge to clean and organize one's home."

[From Wikipedia]

Well, guess what, dudes. I’m in the fifth month… or the sixth month… (24 weeks - it’s so confusing) and this will be no big shocker to anyone who knows me, but, nesting instinct? Cleaning and organising one’s home? Er... no. In fact, quite the opposite.

I was really keeping a lid on my normally, um, ‘freeform’ home stylings until about two weeks ago. I was determined to demonstrate that, despite all expectations to the contrary, AMP could totally keep her shit together when living on her own with nobody to tut and chide and wash and clean. (Admittedly, this was helped by long visits from the babyfather who is cleanliness-obsessed in the extreme and well-versed in tutting and chiding and washing and cleaning, but let’s gloss over that.) But sadly, over the last two weeks things have gone somewhat to shit, and now it looks as though my apartment has basically thrown up on itself after a night on the tiles.

My elegant black patent suitcase is disgorging maternity tights, leopardskin nursing bras (omg have you seen a nursing bra? It’s totally like a hot fetish item) and over-the-knee socks onto the unhoovered bedroom floor. Every day I blink in surprise as I wander to the kitchen and see that the washing-up is, incredibly, still there. And I don’t know why it’s easier to step over the bicycle pump that inexplicably lies in the centre of the living-room floor than to pick it up, but it is. It’s out of control.

So I was just chiding myself for being a chaotic slattern from hell (while secretly feeling proud that I, I of all people, have managed to conquer essentialism and laugh in the face of biological determinism) when it struck me. Sure, the external realm looks like a sack of shit but online - you know, where it counts - things have never been neater.

Much of last week was spent organising my Netvibes: I now have 12 tabs, each organised on a three column basis, displaying four items on each and showing ‘more details’ for all. The first tab is for personal stuff, where I can check my Gmail, view and update Twitter, see my Facebook messages and my friends’ Facebook status updates, and see all recent comments on my Flickr. Then the rest are blogs organised by theme (Feminism, Randoms, Friends, Cooking, Craft, Arts, Music, Tech, Copywriting, Baby - in no particular order, honest guv) plus a tab for Meebo so I can use whichever chat service I want without having to sign in to MSN or Google Chat. How organised is that? It gives me a boner just to look at it.

And then, of course, there’s AMPnet. A friend lured me back to Livejournal, which seemed to open up some kind of posting floodgate, and now the AMP Blog has flared into glorious, gleaming life once more, which, if you’re reading this, you can probably tell. (Of course, the intense Swedish isolation has done a lot to help - it’s amazing how much more time you have when you leave your entire social life, all your friends, and everyone you love behind and fuck off to a different country). I sorted out the labels for all my posts, deleting the ones that contained two words, and I’m trying to shape the rest around similar themes to the rest of the site (feminism, music, vintage clothes, sex - you know, the important things in life.)

I fixed the broken image links that were making the individual post pages display poorly. I organised my RSS feed, set up an email subscription link (do it! You know you want this verbose bullshit in your inbox every day) and started inserting links to both at the end of every post. I finished my Technorati claims (it’s so good to know that this blog has a whopping TWO authority rating - shit like that really makes a girl proud. [Feel free to ramp it up by linking to www.ampnet.co.uk/weblog - I’ll love you forever]). I also updated my Feedburner stats so now I can see who’s surfing on on searches like ‘pale Indian tits’, (hi perverts!).

Looks-wise, I’m going to get the designer at work to help me redesign AMPnet so this blog can reside on the homepage, with the other features reachable from sidebars. I’m also going to optimise the site for screens bigger than 800 x 600 pixels - which means no more huddling in the left-hand side of your monitor.

Finally, I’m about to start an MP3 blog for Venus Magazine, and from next week I’ll be blogging for The Lipster, where I’ll also be doing a pregnancy column so you can read more baby-related crap like this - aren’t you excited?

In short, my internet home has never looked neater, spanglier, or more productive. I am so proud of myself I want to puke. Or maybe that’s just morning sickness. Avoiding the nesting instinct? Maybe not so much. But fuck it. At least I’m doing it in a 21st-century way.


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