So out of practice it’s unbelievable. If this weblog was a lady's area (start as you mean to go on, hit ‘em with the tasty meaty labial metaphors asap, that’s what I always say, so quit scowlin’) it’d be beyond dried up and way into dessicated and cobwebby. Or maybe it would just have closed up and healed over, silent like a papercut.

Anyway, there would definitely be a big OUT OF SERVICE sign slung across it (personally, I just use a profusion of pubic hair to achieve the same aims. Getting it regular? Then the area gets friendly with my hot pink Venus razor on a near daily-basis. Getting it irregular, or worse, not at all? Tis a veritable thicket. Men need machetes to hack through the junglist massive before they can reach the rosy-pink clitoral prize that lurks within). But now it is time to apply that machete, hack through the thicket, smash the OUT OF SERVICE sign with a sombre stomp of my Swear-boot heel. It is time, ladies, FOR AN UPDATE.

Now, being both cheap and of course slightly late on various very important bits of work, I am going to completely chief these links off my friend Sam, because he has been deluging my inbox with them. First of all, Sam (who is a homo and, as we all know, homos are often far more sexually progressive wrt monogamy than us straightlords) sent this link over, entitled “Wow! Now even straight people are mixing it up!”

In this article, Nerve.com’s Em and Lo examine ‘Marriage with benefits – the new monogamy’. From ‘open flirting policies’ (e.g. flirting is ok and healthy and normal) and ‘above-the-waist-rules’(any touching above the waist is ok, but wander below-the-belt and it’s talking time) to polyamory, ethical slutdom and partner-swapping, Em and Lo take a look at all the different ways straight couples are using to attempt ‘managed monogamy’.

Course, us straightlords haven’t being doing ‘managed monogamy’ long enough to know if we’re any better at it than the other kind, so it’s early days yet, but the one thing Em and Lo concluded is that even all this talk about non-monogamy is still really just talk about monogamy – about commitment, and partnership. ‘Over and over, couples told us that their goal is less about sex than it is about wanting a relationship that will bend with pressure, rather than break.’ It’s all about love in the end, baby. Ain’t that the cutest?

You probably know about this by now, but just in cse: excellent literary identity hustle: Is JT Leroy for real?

And finally, while you’re pondering this, why not drink some delicious Liquid Cereal - a delicious blend of fat-free milk and real cereal! Apparently the apple and cinnamon one is green in colour and has a thickish consistency, with a mouth feel of real cereal. Mmm, that’s definitely what I’ll be reaching for next time I have one of those killer waves-of-nausea-style hangovers.

Your face here? Send us some links!

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