Quorn: Yummy fungus or evil motherfucker?

Evil Quorn: The Evidence. Click here for shocking real-life pics!!!!


Smear campaigns. Back-biting. And parasitic crop-destroying fungii. Olestro Simplesse welcomes you to the vicious world of the meat subsitute.

Sausages were my downfall. Sausages tempted me from the path of delicious healthy vegetarianism because if something that nice is out there, why would you *not* do it? It's not like it's crack or PCP or something. It's just meat. Yeah baby.

But, just as you don't stop jacking off just because you're in a healthy, stable, fulfilling relationship, so too does one get the urge for a naughty little Meat Subsitute from time to time. I'm talking Quorn.

Have you *tried* a Quorn sausage? It's indistinguishable from the real thing, only good for you! It's like a Silk Cut Ultra would be if it actually delivered the same hit as a Marlboro Red instead of providing all the smoky goodness of sucking on a hollow blade of grass. All the fun and none of the fear - who could say no to that?

But what the fuck *is* Quorn?

Quorn has been around in Europe for 17 years and is Europe's number one meat substitute. It was eventually introduced to the US in 2002. Now, not to suggest that Yanks are a bunch of pussies, but they didn't adopt the 'close your eyes and swallow it down like a good girl' approach that we stoic, non-revolutionary Brits did.

They started puking. They started retching. They started asking awkward questions. And suddenly Quorn had a media hoo-ha on its hands.

The Yanks wanted to know more about this mysterious Quorn, something which clearly hadn't bothered the Brits too much. We just looked at the box, said, 'Oh, right - mushrooms', then nodded and went on eating.

In fact, Quorn is "the processed cellular mass that is obtained from the filamentous fungus Fusarium venenatum strain PTA-2684," according to the manufacturer's application to the FDA. Venenatum, incidentally, is a Latin word for "filled with venom."

Scientists found the fungus growing on farms west of London in the 1960s - it attacks the roots of wheat - and discovered that 'its long strands could be made into a product that mimicked the fibrous tissue of meat'. Mmmm, a parasitic, crop-destroying fungus. Imma get me some of that!

The Centre for Science in the Public Interest (CPSI) and Quorn competitor Gardenburger both started riding Quorn's ass, claiming that Quorn was labelled misleadingly as 'mushroom-derived', and demanding that it be rebranded as 'mould-based', which would of course have a hugely detrimental effect on Quorn sales. Quorn comes from the edible fungi family, which includes mushrooms, but is not, itself, a mushroom. Quorn replied that they needed to explain things to consumers in terms consumers could understand.

The CPSI alleged that as many as one in 10 people who had eaten Quorn suffered ill effects. Quorn's manufacturers denied this, saying it was actually more like one in 146,000, (400 times lower than the adverse reaction rate for soy products, and over 29,000 times lower than for lactose intolerance from dairy products).


Quorn, meanwhile, asserted that it was the victim of a smear campaign cooked up by the CPSI suspiciously in league with veggie competitor Gardenburger. CPSI has been accused of bigging up Gardenburger products. It regularly promotes them on its website and publications, despite describing itself as a 'nonprofit education and advocacy organization that focuses on improving the safety and nutritional quality of our food.'

The CPSI took the matter to the Food Standards Authority in Britain, who decided that Quorn could stay on the market, but required Quorn to change its UK labelling regarding mushrooms. Quorn is currently working with the FDA to change the wording in the States. CPSI aren't happy, and neither is Gardenburger, and nor are the people who suffered allergic reactions to Quorn, but ultimately, the whole outcry seems to be more of a cynical attempt to block sales of a potential threat to Gardenburger's market share than anything else. Poor Quorn. At the time of writing Quorn is still for sale in the US and still the market leader in the UK.

As for me, I remained a firm Quorn fan until yesterday - who cares about fungus when it tastes this good? - when I decided to reheat a Quorn Southern Style Burger in the microwave. Check this shit out.
Maybe the CPSI has got a point after all...

Olestro Simplesse has never ever suffered a single negative side-effect from Quorn consumption. He does, however, secretly suspect that Quorn is made from people.


A L S O  O N  S L E A Z E

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Learn from the master, peasants...

The Sleaziest Thing I Have Ever Done
Heathy Lee Roth of Gravy Train!!! gets very, very nasty indeed.

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Got so much dick he don't need no balls.

The Ugly Guy
Suki Kent on the lust that dare not speak its name.

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"Cocaine* can be a sexual mentor and a sublime electrician, bringing the lights of Broadway to women who have spent years in frigid darkness."
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*actually, the word she used was 'marijuana', but dope's for lo$ers, kidz!

Further reading:

Quorn's website

Quorn initially mooted as solution to great 'protein shortage' of the 1960s

CPSI's anti-Quorn website

Quotes from Quorn 'victims' in UK and US