A M P : : : S L E A Z E

The MK Cruise (continued from page one)

'Ripped jeans, tight tops, and a B&H'

Being a true girl I bought my Puma bag to the event, as Chris drives a Puma 1.7 Zetec. I just love accesorising, and so, it seems, did everyone there. The girls walked around on the arms of their boy racer boyfriends, streaked blonde hair, strategically ripped jeans, tight tops, gold jewellery and a B&H the standard look. If they didn’t have a boyfriend then they paraded in big groups looking for the one with the loudest bass, or biggest exhaust.

Chris’ friend Kev was counting down the minutes until he could pick his car up from the bodyshop. 'As soon as I pick it up I’m going round to see my old cruise buddy. I haven’t seen him for three months and he doesn’t know any of the stuff that I’ve had done. I’m just going to turn up and he’s going to go mental!'

'Flames were coming out of the exhaust pipes'

His girlfriend looked slightly disappointed that she wasn’t going to be the first one to see it, but such is the life of a boy racer’s girlfriend. Always second place to his first love - the car.

We spoke to a man who is sweet-talking someone in Japan so he will send carbon fibre wing panels directly to him. Another guy has spent a fortune in time and money doing up his Smart car with a stereo system which is in my professional opinion louder than Chris’ (and Chris’ is, in his own words, 'louder than your average bear.')

Putting neons under the car, twin exhausts, something about turbo, or was it dump valves made the noise because… um…? At some point my brain inverted and couldn’t take any more of the technical stuff.

'Oversized spoilers = ass envy?'

A Ferrari and an MR2 in an Italian suit (so it looked like a Ferrari) were parked side by side. They were having some kind of revving competition and flames were coming out of the exhaust pipes (something to do with overburn, Kev told me).

That was cool, and the smell of exhaust reminded me of being a 5 year old sitting in my Dad’s garage, way up high in the sky on the electronic ramp, giggling with AMP at John the garage boy’s crap jokes and wondering why no one else at school knew what swarfega was.

Cars that looked like BMWs were, I was reliably informed, Alpinas. Oversized spoilers were put on cars that weren’t done up in any other way and looked totally incongruous - ass envy? Some modifications looked great, some plain wrong. Like how you can have plastic surgery and look like a new enhanced version of yourself, or Pete Burns.

'An extension of your...personality'

So why do up the cars? Why spend all that time and money? Why bother?

'It's all about showing off really, isn't it?', says Chris. 'That and the sense of belonging to a specialised little community. I suppose it's no different to getting a specific haircut, or wearing a certain style of clothes. The only difference is it's a bit more expensive, and you're not likely to cut your knuckles buying a T-shirt from Top Man.

'Behind all that, when you really get to the core of it, there's the simple desire to take things apart, find out how they work, and improve them.

'People express themselves through the modifications on their car, whether it be a fully bodykitted Nova, or a 'sleeper' Supra. The work carried out has been done to their own specifications. This isn't something you will ever get from a car manufacturer.

'No matter what customisation car manufacturers offer in the showroom, nobody's going to want to leave it showroom-standard knowing that so many thousands of other people will have exactly the same car.

'That's what really matters - having something unique, something you can be proud of. Something that is an extension of your personality and individuality.'

'Pretty lights, banging bass'

For me it was the pretty lights and banging bass that did it every time. Chris's next step is to organise a sound-off: 'I've spent a lot of money on some damn fine components. Other people have done the same. What people like us enjoy doing above all is showing off. Put simply, a sound-off is where a group of people get together to have a competition to see whose sound system is the loudest / best looking / best installed / best quality.' I intend to be there for my aural pleasures. And Chris intends to win.

For more skinny on the MK Cruise visit www.mkcruise.co.uk, or just turn up on a Sunday night. Clown pendants optional.

Image © Ytje 2004
Words © Lisa Payne 2004

The Cars That Go BOOM: What happens when a chick who can't drive enters the testosterone-soaked world of the customised car cruise

Poor Gay Judd: Why Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club Was A Total Flaming Homo (It Just Took Us 15 Years To Notice)

The Gold Chains Guide to Treating Your Lady's Coochie Like A Maze Learn from the master, peasants!

The Sleaziest Thing I Have Ever Done
Heathy Lee Roth of Gravy Train!!! gets very, very nasty indeed.

A Eunuch - the Ideal Man?
Got so much dick he don't need no balls.

The Ugly Guy
Suki Kent on the lust that dare not speak its name.

Drugs are Nice
Apparently?

"Cocaine* can be a sexual mentor and a sublime electrician, bringing the lights of Broadway to women who have spent years in frigid darkness."
Natalie Angier, Woman: An Intimate Geography

*actually, the word she used was 'marijuana', but dope's for lo$ers, kidz!


The MK Cruise (continued from page one)
'Ripped jeans, tight tops, and a B&H' Being a true girl I bought my Puma bag to the event, as Chris drives a Puma 1.7 Zetec. I just love accesorising, and so, it seems, did everyone there. The girls walked around on the arms of their boy racer boyfriends, streaked blonde hair, strategically ripped jeans, tight tops, gold jewellery and a B&H the standard look. If they didn’t have a boyfriend then they paraded in big groups looking for the one with the loudest bass, or biggest exhaust. Chris’ friend Kev was counting down the minutes until he could pick his car up from the bodyshop. 'As soon as I pick it up I’m going round to see my old cruise buddy. I haven’t seen him for three months and he doesn’t know any of the stuff that I’ve had done. I’m just going to turn up and he’s going to go mental!'
		'Flames were coming out of the exhaust pipes' His girlfriend looked slightly disappointed that she wasn’t going to be the first one to see it, but such is the life of a boy racer’s girlfriend. Always second place to his first love - the car. We spoke to a man who is sweet-talking someone in Japan so he will send carbon fibre wing panels directly to him. Another guy has spent a fortune in time and money doing up his Smart car with a stereo system which is in my professional opinion louder than Chris’ (and Chris’ is, in his own words, 'louder than your average bear.') Putting neons under the car, twin exhausts, something about turbo, or was it dump valves made the noise because… um…? At some point my brain inverted and couldn’t take any more of the technical stuff.
	'Oversized spoilers = ass envy?' A Ferrari and an MR2 in an Italian suit (so it looked like a Ferrari) were parked side by side. They were having some kind of revving competition and flames were coming out of the exhaust pipes (something to do with overburn, Kev told me). That was cool, and the smell of exhaust reminded me of being a 5 year old sitting in my Dad’s garage, way up high in the sky on the electronic ramp, giggling with AMP at John the garage boy’s crap jokes and wondering why no one else at school knew what swarfega was. Cars that looked like BMWs were, I was reliably informed, Alpinas. Oversized spoilers were put on cars that weren’t done up in any other way and looked totally incongruous - ass envy? Some modifications looked great, some plain wrong. Like how you can have plastic surgery and look like a new enhanced version of yourself, or Pete Burns.
			'An extension of your...personality' So why do up the cars? Why spend all that time and money? Why bother? 'It's all about showing off really, isn't it?', says Chris. 'That and the sense of belonging to a specialised little community. I suppose it's no different to getting a specific haircut, or wearing a certain style of clothes. The only difference is it's a bit more expensive, and you're not likely to cut your knuckles buying a T-shirt from Top Man. 'Behind all that, when you really get to the core of it, there's the simple desire to take things apart, find out how they work, and improve them. 'People express themselves through the modifications on their car, whether it be a fully bodykitted Nova, or a 'sleeper' Supra. The work carried out has been done to their own specifications. This isn't something you will ever get from a car manufacturer. 'No matter what customisation car manufacturers offer in the showroom, nobody's going to want to leave it showroom-standard knowing that so many thousands of other people will have exactly the same car. 'That's what really matters - having something unique, something you can be proud of. Something that is an extension of your personality and individuality.'
		'Pretty lights, banging bass' For me it was the pretty lights and banging bass that did it every time. Chris's next step is to organise a sound-off: 'I've spent a lot of money on some damn fine components. Other people have done the same. What people like us enjoy doing above all is showing off. Put simply, a sound-off is where a group of people get together to have a competition to see whose sound system is the loudest / best looking / best installed / best quality.' I intend to be there for my aural pleasures. And Chris intends to win. *For more skinny on the MK Cruise visit www.mkcruise.co.uk, or just turn up on a Sunday night. Clown pendants optional.* Image © Ytje 2004 Words © Lisa Payne 2004