Sugababes (cont) - page 2 of 2

2.1: ‘Morrissey once wrote a song called ‘We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful’. Do you feel there’s an element of competition to most female friendships?’

(This is Heidi’s chance to confess what giant bitches they are to her while pretending to discuss ‘female friendships’ in an abstract, distant manner. [The other two will absolutely not notice if it is in the abstract you see, so she is safe to make the confession]).

2.2: ‘Mutya, your little girl is called Maya. What is behind this choice of name. Do you feel a deep affinity for the Mayan people?’

(This is Mutya’s chance to admit that yes, she has long been obsessed with the Mayans, finding their cruel practice of long, drawn-out games ending in the ritual sacrifice of the losers to be a particular area of appeal.)

2.3: ‘What’s the cruellest act you’ve ever committed’?

(This is the chance for Mutya and Keisha to go ‘Well, I think it was that time that we drove our poor vulnerable bandmate Siobhan to a nervous breakdown and then proceeded to do the same to her replacement, don’t you, dear?)

I’m so clever! Unfortunately, the answers are as follows:

2.1: (competition / female friendships) Heidi: “Yes, some people have been a little bit mean since all the success. But then, if they’re going to be mean, they weren’t really your friends anyway, were they?”

2.2. (deep affinity with mayan people) Mutya: “Eh? No, I just named her after my dead baby sister. And I just really liked the name. And it was handy, because I already have this tattoo of the name ‘Maya’, so if I ever forget my kid’s name, I just peep at this, and it reminds me.”

2.3. (cruellest act) Keisha: ‘I once put some toothpaste all around a girl’s mouth at a sleepover while she was asleep. I also killed a spider with boiling water.” Mutya: “I once watched my pit bull terrier get a cranefly and eat it for a bit and then spit it out and then eat it again, and I laughed”.

Heidi: “I do get a little bit mean sometimes when I’m premenstrual. I also misheard a compliment someone gave me in the street once and swore at them. When it was pointed out the person had actually said a nice thing, I felt so bad I had to say an Act of Contrition.”

THANKS A LOT, SUGABABES!

RUN HER OVER

As we drive off, Heidi spots a blonde girl heading out of the studios.

“Look, it’s Jenny Frost.”

Mutya looks up from her copy of Heat. “Run her over”, she mutters.

“Reverse! Reverse!” implores Keisha. “I wish this was my car. I would have swerved, and then straightened up. I swear.”

I glance at the woman on the other side of the darkened glass. Paydirt! Bitchiness! Death threats! “Who’s Jenny Frost?” I ask.

Mutya kisses her teeth and goes back to the magazine. Heidi says nothing. Keisha looks out of her window.

“No one,” she says, dismissively. “Just some girl from school.”

Back home, I google Jenny Frost. Some girl from school my ASS. She’s one of Atomic Kitten. Hah! Sugababes: Are They Bitches definitively answered once and for all!

I am chilled to my very core. I glance up, and catch sight of my reflection in the window. I had red hair this morning. And then I met the Sugababes.

ps - obviously this was done before Mutya left, the bastard. never mind!

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