wHy i h8 nU mEtAl tEenZ (bY mIsS aMp)- pArT Le tRoIz!!!!

As Courtney Love pointed out, nu metal allows balding whitebwoys to 'gain access to black male American culture, without all the pain of being a black male in America'. In other words, assuming Miz Courtney will allow to paraphrase her without slapping a law-suit on my pert ass, nu-metal gives privileged, nuffin-to-whinge-about poshboys a chance to sob about being 'played' by money-grabbing ho's and h8rz, despite the fact that they experience none of the oppression and poverty that might, to the more generously-minded among us, constitute some kind of 'excuse' for rap music's lamentable misogyny.

Nu metal is the bastard offspring of a hideous, sweaty, regrettable liason between 80s hair metal and gangsta rap, and - surprise - women fare about as well with the little'un as they did with Mom and Pop. Women are generally portrayed as 'insane', 'fucked up', or a bit of crazy-ass tail to nail and abandon. However, exceptions proving the rule an' all that, there is one nu metal band that does not comprise a fat Caucasian fella in long shorts, a 'wack' djbwoy scratching and saying 'yyeah!', and a couple of guitar-playing luggage getting' angry and squinching up their faces till their li'l scary veins stick out and sweat spins off their brows like liquid diamonds.

Anything boyz can do, girlz can do just as shite. You've probably heard of Kittie because girlz brandishing geetars is still - still! - seen as a walkin' freakshow. But any idealistic notions that women entering a boy-filled field can, by their mere presence, instantly level said playing field are misguided. Kittie's lyrical content showcases the same pedestrian adolescent angst as the boys'. Songs like 'Do You Think I'm A Whore' do little to counter the prevailing attitudes, while their single 'Brackish' displays the same floor-scraping self-esteem and lazy profanity as the music of their male antecedents.

And, hey - so it should. Why should four pale-faced teen gothettes be expected to act as representatives of their entire gender? Isn't it enough that Kittie are out there doin' it - pummelling the strings, yawlin' the Satan death-yawl? Well, yes. Kittie prove that girlz can be just as dumb and loud as boys, which is progress, of sorts. (Certainly it's something I've made my life's work to demonstrate.) But, overall, chicks flogging a dead horse look just as dumb as boys doing the same. It's just, like, more fun to look at their chests while they're doin' it.

Ultimately - in a phrase that will display just as much nihilism as the boyz of nu do - so frickin' what? Nu has its roots in 80s hair metal, and has wilfully ignored all that Kurt Cobain stood for: sickly-sweet melodies, anti-rape lyrics, glorious suicide. Eventually nu metallers will learn, as Poison and Guns'n'Roses did before them, that their grip on their audience's consiousness - a predominantly teen one, and prone to change - is temporary.

Already, nu metal's figurehead, Durst, reveals himself each day to be more and more of a buffoon: inciting fans to attack security guards, failing to visit a girl crushed at his gig while she was dying in hospital, then lying that he had; getting hit by custard pies; downsizing his age; becoming a member of the board of his record company. Like, way to be radical, d00d!

As with all fads, it's not really about 'fighting it', as Miz Courtney vows to do. Don't look for nu metal bands expressing a more 'consious' vibe, cuz you ain't gonna find none. Don't look at Kittie - they're playing in the same dogpoo-filled sandpit as their male cohorts, and they stink just the same. Just for once, there's no need to do anything. No need to start a zine or make your own record. Just leave the boys to their own devices, lie back and think of England. They're teenagers. It'll be over in a minute.

 
This article previously appeared in Careless Talk Costs Lives magazine, but has been freshly repurposed for your web viewing pleasure.

Illustrations by Kevin Scalzo. Reprinted with permission.
 

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Whilst tripping off his tits at 3am, Brian Wilson bought a telescope shop, because it pissed him off that there were no telescope shops open at that time of night. Rrriight.

 

R

 

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