Right. So you spent your first year at uni in some student hall in the middle of nowhere. But what now? Students are not exactly Rockefeller's heirs, so the idea of sharing a house with others makes perfect sense. Or does it? Read the following descriptions carefully to avoid the nu plight: THE FLATMATES FROM HELL...
by Julia Vergho


1.The Friendly Dishwasher

The Friendly Dishwasher initially seems like a nice guy. He's always polite and always tidies up after everyone, whether asked to or not. Fair enough. But sooner or later The Friendly Dishwasher will realize that he's the only one actually touching the dishes. That doesn't necessarily mean the others are a bunch of lazy bums: The Friendly Dishwasher is just always the first to discover the piles of pots caked in burnt beans, which, due to his obsession, he has to sort out immediately. Once this point is reached, the Friendly Dishwasher will turn into a roaring Dish-zilla, wooing at both every single dirty mug and every single housemate in the kitchen (because that's where Dish-Zilla usually hangs out).

Solution: Get earplugs. Live on takeaways.




2. Panicking Paul

Living with a Panicking Paul wouldn't be too bad - if only he didn't smell gas (alternatively fire) all the time. Panicking Paul is most often heard saying "Have you seen the news today? Thirty people died somewhere in Dorset because an entire estate blew up and guess why? A gas explosion,of course. Uhm, let me just quickly check.....", or, "You've doublelocked the front door haven't you?" (of course you haven't but you nod enthusiastically, anyway). Another occuring problem with Panicking Pauls is visitors. Especially when your doorbell is not exactly loud. Because if you can't hear the bell, but Panicking Paul does, it doesn't mean he's actually going to open the door, because the first thing he expects at the front door is a knifeswinging psychopath.

Solution: Actually, life is a lot safer with a Panicking Paul around. If you've got one, hang on to him.





3. The Key-Loser

Cross the word "sleep" out of your mind if you happen to live with a key-loser. The key-loser drops his keys all the time and everywhere (often accompanied by amazing stories like "And then *ploing* it went down the toilet at Maidenhead Station. Of course I rang the fire brigade immediately, but they couldn't be bothered...") Logical consequence is that without a key he obviously can't get in. Thus he either phones or bangs on the door like a madman (preferably weekdays at about 3 in the morning, of course). And because the keyloser is generally a notorious optimist, he won't give up till eventually someone jumps out of bed to open the door or answer the phone (and then stays awake to let the keyloser in when he eventually gets home). Oh, and keeping a spare set of keys under the doormat usually doesn't help because the keyloser will, of course, find and misplace them within hours.

Solution: Leave the keyloser out in the cold for a night.


4. The Carefree Consumer

Always broke, always hungry. Don't even think about keeping that lovely doublecheese sandwich for the next day - the Carefree Consumer will find and have it within hours. Pinning huge nametags on one's food won't help, as the Carefree Consumer will just help himself, anyway. And down his spine runs that costly soda drink...and in his stomach goes yesterday's chicken curry. If caught in the act, the Carefree Consumer will just go "Whoops, I didn't know that was yours!" and then keep eating. If he's clever he'll already have destroyed the evidence by flushing the nametags down the loo. Very annoying. Solution: The carefree consumer should be stopped at the earliest stage, either by locking the fridge (but then, has anyone ever seen a fridge with a huge padlock on? I haven't!), or by preparing some special treats (here's some hints....chicken curry has a slight resemblance to dogfood.) That'll spoil his feast for once and for all.


[sleaze home] [skint faq] [low-to-no-fi]





A L S O  O N  S L E A Z E


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