THE PERFECT PEE
WORDS: SUKI KENT
ILLUSTRATION: ALI BELL

T
HE TIME: 3am Sunday morning.
THE PLACE: A club in a disused factory in Stoke Newington.
THE TOILET: Floor ankle-deep in unidentifed liquid. Cistern lid broken on floor. Water in toilet bowl close to overflowing.
THE OCCASION: The perfect pee.

So. The perfect pee. Hello? How the fuck can any girl experience the perfect pee in these circumstances? Even leaving aside the tideline creeping up the sides of yer sandals: ignoring the loo roll embedding itself on your heel: how can this pee be anything but traumatic?

What's a girl to do? Hover? Or plonk? To hover means clenched thigh musicles and an insufficiently emptied bladder. But plonking yer ass down on the seat means exposing delicate flesh to the fluids of strangers. Ew! And yet, last night, pee nirvana was reached under exactly these conditions. How can this beee?

BACK IN THE ARC


'Male urination', Camille Paglia once famously commented, 'is a kind of accomplishment, an arc of transcendence. A woman merely waters the ground she stands on.' This accomplishment, Paglia asserts, is 'beyond the scope' of a woman. The arc, and its accompanying powers of 'concentration and projection', are something a woman will 'never master'.

This, dear reader, is bollocks.


NEXT>>>


 

 



 

 

ALSO ON FEMORABILIA:

Hey Cute Fat Girl!
In search of the cute fat girl in popular culture

The Princess and the Pee

Squat? Nah. I'll make an 'arc of transcendence', thanks!

Love and Rockets and Foxy Girl Comics
We celebrate the hootchie-mamas of the comics world.

In Praise of Step Aerobics
Sit-ups? I'd rather sit down. But step aerobics? Now you're talkin'.

Hello, Hello Kitty
What *is* it about this mouthless plastic cat that so obsesses 20something females?

THE INDEPENDENT HEROINE PROJECT:
Lady Lucy is collecting short essays on and illustrations of the truly independent females of the 20th Century for the Project. Who are your heroines, your lovely ladies, your diamond divas? Email Lady Lucy and let her know.






















 

TOP OF PAGE