O O SMOTHER ME MOTHER
Monday 22 July 2002|

Whoooosh. Whoa.

On The Rocks was fashionably fashionable and I was so tired drooping my head down wishing to lean it on the bar and snooze away... but Lisa came to Par-tay. She had her hair in bunches and a green top with numbers on and jeans and so did I, jeans halfway down business, big-ass belt, smockytoppy I bought that day with hangover in sale it was pink. Tired. Had woken up in East Finchley that morning. Went to pub played pool came home watched porn. Wrote here. Went out. Kick. Rocks. Yeh.

Yes, tired, drooping-downhead. Wanted to leave. 'One last drink?' she pleaded. Mother. We're at Mother again. I'm not going in unless. I'm not going in. I'm not. Unless. Yes, ok, I'm going in because there's a place here outside the 333 for me to lock my bike to so I'm going in I'm in we're in. Sitting in a chair, comfortable. Pints. Watching the people dancing. Everyone looks happy. We are happy. We want better music. Then better music comes just like that, Peaches via Salt'n'Pepa via Destiny's Child and the joint is jumping it is. They're all smiling and nodding their heads. We're wiggling in the chair laughing at each other. The girl who was being kissed is smiling at us. We are having fun, slung in the chair, watching the dancing.

French man talks to me. 'Make him go away make him go away', says Lisa, but I am polite. I do not want to talk with the French man I do not a security guard comes we run away. We have all been pushed now into the other bar. There is a scrum. 'Love your handlebars!' a man says to my sister. I take a minute to think on this. It's her bunches. They are handlebars. 'That's rude! Rude!' Another man is talking to us. He is pretty. 'It's a sea of men' she says. Men. Everywhere. 'Yes', I say. 'K8 says if you are here and you stand by the bar then men buy you drinks. I don't get it. I don't understand it I don't.'

Then as if by magic K8 is there.'He's an international spy! Meet my boy he's a spy he won't tell me what he does!' 'K8 did you just meet this spy?' 'Yes!' K8 gets men easy peasy like fly on stickypaper. I am impressed and somewhat freudened by my new friend K8, who is the flatmate of the writer and Mr H says I am a starfucker because of what happened, but he ain't right he's not he is he ain't right he ain't.

We get talking to a girl. Let me buy you your drinks! she says. Why? Because I've lucked out. I've really lucked out. I want to share the wealth. I work at Whistles I want to share wealth forty five grand a year I share wealth I did degree in knitting now I rich I happy. She buys drinks for me and Lisa and K8 and spy. I am surprised and pleased because when I was rich I did this too I think and it is karma and karma is magic.

K8 is with spy and Lisa is talking to handlebar guy who is nice. O not again I think not again everyone pulls not me never me I'm not blonde that is why I am ginger. There are men all around. Handlebar guy is lovely he is old he is rich he works in the city he is on a stag night he comes from Dagenham but he is nice. He wants to freak my sister but he talks to me too. You are very attractive. Look at that man looking at you. Talking to you. Don't you know when you are being pulled.

I don't know do I. I have ended a relationship of my entire million years adult life my love my flat my comfort everything I knew has gone I do not know anything you're just saying this but thank you you are nice. I do not know I am being pulled. There are men everywhere. He gets a man he is a boy he says, talk to this boy.

I am blushing. While Handlebar Man is talking to me my sister has started talking to a tiny boy he is a gay. He is sipping a vodka martini from a Y shaped glass. His trousers are tapered his jumper has diamonds on like a golfer. I am worried that I have stopped my sister from having sex with Handlebar Guy while Handlebar Guy is looking after me and giving me a boy. The boy is called Dan he is 22 he studies fine art. The boy his face is shiny he has dark hair like I like we are talking because why not. The boy is the flatmate of the gay boy.

'ARE YOU GAY' says my sister. 'NO ARE YOU' says the gay boy. He is not gay he looks it do I look like a raving queen he says no I say not raving queen just queen it is your trousers they are tapered. Handlebar Guy he is 33 he says My Work Here Is Done and goes to walk away. He will not tell me how much he earns, he says, it is more than, yes, more than, one hundred thousand pounds a year. Are you a broker says the Dan boy. Yes he says I am. Lisa says in my ear why is he going. I say why are you going. He does not go he is at the bar he is buying there is a bottle on the bar in an ice bucket, it is champagne. It is Bollinger. It is for us, for me, my sister, the gay boy, the Dan boy.

We are all looking at him. Why. Why the champagne you silly funny nice man? He says he when he was young he wanted someone to do this for him. He wants us to have fun. He likes to watch young ppl having fun. Dude you are only Thirty Three! That is not old! He says it is but it ain't. We drink the champange and feel like bright young things. It is because, I say, ppl like to 'discover' ppl. They like to rescue you from the street is what it is, and be a Fairy Godfather.

I was discovered! says the gay boy. He is an actor. I was discovered by Isabella Blow! Do you know who the last person Isabella Blow discovered was? Sophie Dahl. She said I had an amazing face she wanted to take photos I turned her down. Why. I did not want it I am an Ac Tor I will do it by my own.

Drinking and funning. I am at the bar. How much did the champagne cost? Where is our ice bucket. Fifty pounds it cost.

I kissed the Dan boy just because. Mebbe it be funstuffz. He is the first boy I have kissed since exboyfriend it is wet his hands are on me like moths. Tentative. His tongue is. Too big. In my mouth too wet. You are comparing me to your exboyfriend you are thinking he is more attractive. I am not I am not I am not thinking that Dan not. He says: Kiss me you can write about it. Kiss me.

Champagne. Boys. I do not with the Dan boy I am talking to the Stuart gay boy. How was it, kissing my friend the Dan boy? Um. It was. Ok. A bit too much tongue. He came to me tongue out like a dog it was too much. Ah, says Stuart. He needs to be taught. He needs someone an older woman I cannot believe you are so Old you look Young and Lovely. He needs an Older Person to teach and train him what to do. Hm. Maybe I do need a booty call boy I could train, I say. Dan boy is talking to another girl she is ugly. I get him off her we kiss again it is alright but

We. Are. Kissing. In the bar. In the light. With champagne flutes in our hands. Lisa is going for dinner with the Fairy Godfather Handlebar Guy who is nice who watched us have fun we are Bright Young Things we get Discovered in a bar we are kissing. Lisa is kissing Stuart they go the boys go there are numbers in phones on paper I do not the Booty Call Dan Boy he is a student of fine art he kisses with too much he is 22 years old it's not old at all. We cannot believe Handlebar Guy two bottles of champagne his wallet was full of money he would not let me look his friends said we were 'playing' him we were not he did it all by his own buying the drink by his own to watch young people having fun he likes it.


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