T H E  A M P  D I A R Y
Let's time-travel back to the mid-nineties. Jarvis Cocker is the new common people's choice. The weather is hot and sultry. And one night I'm very, very, drunk...

it's 1995 and I'm drunk as a skunk in Lewisham, a nasty rough part of South London, waiting alone at a bus-stop after midnight. Not, you might think, the best time to decide to squat down in a nearby alley for a pee. But that was the night my friend Clare decided to introduce me to Hooch and vodka (an evil mix), so i had no option. I either pissed on the pavement or I pissed in my panties.

So i stuck my new bag down beside me and, teetering on my 5-inch platforms, did what i had to. Along comes a mugger. Spots me there, squatting, pissing. Laughs his head off, then grabs the bag and runs off with it, into a nearby park. And do I think 'Hmmmm, i am a drunk girl in 5-inch platforms. it would be unwise to chase the scary mugger round a dark park in the middle of the night.' No, i do not. I think 'THAT BASTARD'S GOT MY HELLO KITTY BAG!!!! KILL HIMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!'

i jump to my feet, hoist my knickers up, and give chase. The goddess of drunk girls must have given my cork-soled shoes wings, for I didn't fall over, just chased the mugger round and round the park yelling 'give that back you BASTARD!'. Mugger finds this incredibly amusing and runs about 4 steady paces in front of me, facing towards me, laughing whilst going through my bag looking for cash, emptying the contents onto the grass. Luckily i have spent every penny of my money at the pub. I'm very angry and calling him a COWARD by now.

Luckily (for the mugger - who was obviously *petrified* of the wrath of the drunk wobbly lady) - at this point I am rescued by another boy. He chases the mugger off and helps me pick up my stuff. I even get my Hello Kitty bag back. I do not tell my rescuer that the mugger attacked me while I was pissing as I fear this does not show me in the best light.

And the moral of the story has to be... learn how to piss standing up. It will shave vital seconds off your mugger-chasing time.

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