Thursday 17 October 2002

THINGS TO DO IN N4 WHEN YOU'RE DEAD


Here are some things to do to your annoying kitten. Numero uno: make it wear a Bon Jovi headband. Initially, the headband should be tied around its midsection to form a Bon Jovi Saddle. For added amusement stash a Hello Kitty vibrator under said saddle, in order to laugh at a Kitty / Kitty interface type sitch. Personally, I would never subject my darling Hello kitty vibrator or anything else of mine to those conditions, but you might. I know your kind. But enough about you.

Once kitten has removed itself from the Bon Jovi Saddle Situation, you might want to get experimental. Tie Bon Jovi headband around kitten's neck, take ends under its legs, up, and round, then tie ends in bow on kitten's back. (Remember to stroke kitten after application of headband, to ensure it has not broken its habit of incessant purring. One should not be cruel to kitten, no matter how much kitten deserves it.)

Make sure at this point said kitten does not cleverly remove self from Bon Jovi Sling in a Houdini-esque fashion, or if it does, that said kitten does not lose the Bon Jovi scarf under sofa for an entire week, for that will seriously curtail your fun, and fun is in short supply in October 2002, due to severe lack of funds, surfeit of incredibly boring guitar music crashing onto the doormat every morning, plus other things that *iM nOt gOiNg tO tAlK aBoUt* that also suck the root.

Once Bon Jovi scarf is found, continue games. Now see if kitten's full weight can be supported on Bon Jovi scarf when said scarf is used as a sling. Resist temptation to check adage re: enough room to swing cat, since clearly enough room available, rendering experiment pointless waste of energy which might be better spent hustling for freelance work or riding one's bike around park.

Attempt to tie Bon Jovi scarf around kitten's jaw, but meet with resistance. Test malleability of kitten. Can kitten be rolled along sofa? Lift kitten to ceiling. Check for continuation of purring. Is there nothing kitten cannot stand? Put kitten's face close to hot light bulb. Spin kitten from side to side so legs splay behind it like hanks of meat slung over butcher's shoulder. Turn kitten's ears inside out. Blow on soft hairs.

Bounce kitten on lap like toddler. Time self to see how long you can stand kitten licking you. Contemplate enticing kitten to lick your nipples but decide zoophilia not fetish you wish to explore at this time. Feed kitten onion. Feed kitten cigarette ash. Regret that lack of scanner prevents submission of kitten's image to Cat Scan website. Kiss kitten hundred times on top of head. Tickle kitten behind ears. Cuddle kitten. Watch kitten's eyes widen as random girly-tears due to tHiNgS i aM nOt gOiNg tO tAlK aBoUt nearly drown it. Dry it off. Chuck it on sofa. Repeat ad infinitum.

That's what Autumn 2002 is all about.

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