Friday 04 May 2001

DESIRE FOR A DOG

i'm getting a kitten! oh yes. la la la, hee hee hee! and it was so skill how i did do it! i asked for one years ago and the boyfriend was like:

'no. no amp, stupid cow. we cannot have two cats. one cat is cool but two cats makes you seem like a mad old ginger lady with loads of cats who smells of wee.'

yes, charming, isn't he?

but lately - well, all my life actually, but especially lately - i have been overcome with the desire for a dog. nao! not like that, you dirty slags! quit your imaginin'! a pet dog.

we always had dogs, you see, in our family. first there was max, the retired police dog. he was gentle and sweet and died of cancer of the nose when i was six. then we got charlie. a toy dog, he was, pekignese, tiny. bit snappy because he was a pedigree. a pedigree PONCE of a dog. but we loved him. and he loved us.

but he did not love us the way we loved him. for we loved him in a platonic, human to pet kinda way. and he loved us in a SEXUAL, doggie-to-doggie kinda way. yes, you could say there was an interspecies communication problem going on there. and you would be right. (our legs, oKAY? he loved our LEGS that naughty doggie way! nuffin' else! yeah, i've heard those ricky martin stories to and i say to you now, clean out your MINDS, you gutter scum you!)

melisaanmichelle, that is, the composite entity that was me and my two little sisters, did not understand back then about interspecies love. few children do. maybe those on deprived housing estates with access to their parents' bootleg porn collection (she typed, in an extremely classist and offensive stylee.)

i did, however, wonder about the whole zeus turning into a swan so he could have sex with a mortal thing, for, that is how MIDDLE-CLASS and PONCEY my upbringing was.

working-class child:
'mummeeeee! what is that lady doing to that pig? why is the other lady in that stable? what is that stuff that comes out? why is there so much of it? mummeeee! I'm scared!'

middle-class child:
'mother. i have just read an account given by hecataeus of miletus of leda's coupling with the swan. how is such a thing possible? i am perturbed!'

(i MEAN. what does a swan's penis look like? have you ever seen one? does it even HAVE one? if you were zeus, what would you turn into in order to have sex with a mortal laydee?

once he turned into a bull, which sorta makes sense, in a farm animal stylee. another time he turned into this lady's husband, which is well sneaky, but oh, wouldn't you just?

'oh hello keanu!' says AMP hidden in the body of david geffen. 'come over here darling. i am just so ready for a bout of red hot ass sex!'

'oh hello jamie!' says AMP hidden in the body of jules. 'get down there and put that oversized tongue of yours to good use!'

'oh hello richie from 5ive!' says AMP hidden in the body of billie piper back when she was his girlfriend because i have no idea who he's seeing now, 'get your pretty overmade up face over here and perform your dance routines on my bed NOW'.

coo-el, huh? as long as things didn't go all wrong groundhog day stylee, leaving you trapped in chazbaps's body whilst she was being boned by the skinny freckled member of chris evans. augh. that would be bad. and knowing my luck...

but anyways, a SWAN? i'm guessing that zeus was just like totally fed up with having sex with his boring old wife hera (who was his SISTER too, did you know that, but apparently even the thrill of incest fades after a while) and was a jaded old fucker who needed a little EXTRA stimulation to get his appetites going. i mean, i've met someone like that, and he was only twenty-five. zeus was like THREE MILLION. no wonder he was a sicko!)

but i digress. the point is, melisaanmichelle did not understand about interspecies sex. in fact, we did not understand about sex AT ALL, being good christian children not intitiated into the delights of the facts of life by our dear mother till we were at least, ooh, twenty-two. (michelle is still waiting to find out: what she is doing with that 40-year-old artist guy i have NO idea).

so, when charlie attached himself to our legs, wrapping his front paws round our calves and humping his lower half frantically against our shins, we thought it was a delightful game. in fact, it even had a name: 'upsie-downies'.

this innocence could not last. one day my mother brutally initated me into the truth about dogs and girls. (nao, nao, nao! NOT. LIKE. THAT. how many times do i have to tell you?) i was running around naked after a bath, as you do, or rather did, back in the eighties before the thought police came and arrested everybody who let their children run around naked after a bath.

i had run downstairs and was clomping irritatingly around on the piano (yeah, COURSE we had a piano, we're totally middleclass, i ALREADY TOLD YOU). charlie came running up to me and made it quite clear he wanted a game of upsiedownies. i spun around on the pianostool and proffered my leg, and the game commenced.

mother came out of the kitchen and caught me giggling, naked, bouncing the dog up and down on my leg.

i think we're having a game.

he thinks he's fucking a ladydog.

and my mother, what does she think?

'AMP!' she bellows, brandishing a wooden spoon. 'STOP THAT AT ONCE! IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE THAT A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER HAVE SEX WITH AN ANIMAL!!!!!'

i'm like what the fuck, mum? (i mean, that's not what i said. that's what i thought. well, that's what i might have thought, had i ever had the opportunity to ever read or hear the word fuck, which i hadn't.) i quit bouncing my leg. the dog continued to hang onto it, tongue out, gasping with joy, suddenly replaced by a suprised yelp as mum grabbed his collar and brutally flung him into a corner.

'GO TO YOUR ROOM! NOW! GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE! AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! NOW!'

i slunk nakedly upstairs and thought about what i'd done. what had i done? i had played upsiedownies with the dog. it was clear from my mother's reaction that that was a BAD THING. and it had somethng to do with sex, which i already kinda realised was a BAD THING. and it was clear that SEX and DOG and NAKEDNESS was a VERY VERY VERY VERY BAD THING.. it was clearly my duty as eldest sister to warn my siblings.

i summoned them to my room. 'lisa an' michelle' i annouced. 'you know upsie-downsies?' they nodded, all innocent, in a seven and five year-old kinda stylee.

'well, upsiedownsies is BAD. it says in the bible. mum just told me. when you are playing upsidedownsies, you are having SEX with the DOG. which is BAD.'

'but i LIKE upsiedownsies' said lisa, pouting, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

'yes but it is BAD. we have all been having SEX with the DOG. we have to stop or we will go to HELL. it says in the BIBLE. mum told me. o-KAY?'

my sisters nodded, solemnly, and we all pondered the evil of what we had done.

we had no way of knowing that charlie was a dog so small, with, presumably, a doggy dong so small, that the only was of actually having sex with him would have been to shove the entire animal up our little underage snatches! as far we were aware, we all had sex with the pekignese! in fact, sometimes upsiedownies were shared among us, as we laughingly coaxed him from leg to leg, meaning that we believed, (whether we knew it or not) that we had taken part in a lesbian incestuous underage bestiality gangbang!

two years later, at senior school, catherine german sneaked in some real bestiality porn, and a weight fell from my shoulders as i realised that melisaandmichelle had not, in fact, had lesbian incestuous underage gangbang sex with the dog.

anyways. what a big digression!

after charlie there was sophie the airedale terrier. she was very mad, but she never tried to fuck us.

and then i grew up and left home and went to college and blah blah blah blah NO DOG.

but of late the desire for a dog has been so strong and i have been so vocal with it that a kitten has been sneaked in under the wire, as it were. ha ha ha! tra la la!

and that is the one nice thing in my life right now.




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