"Yeah. So, we were like, supa-drunk. I mean, you always are when you go there, aren't you? You wouldn't even go there if you weren't! We'd managed to get a sofa though - fucking miracle - and so there we were on this kind of... island of sofa. Everyone else was just dance, dance, dance. Much higher up than us. We were slumped down, throwing this camera around, taking pictures of ourselves with the camera at arm's length and our faces smooshed together. Then this cute girl dances up and is all 'hey! I'll take a picture!'

So I threw the camera at her and we smoosh up some more and this picture, I swear, it is so THE picture of the two of us. It encapsulates everything that we're about. His face is totally shiny and he's shouting or grinning or leering, god, I don't even know what he's doing. One arm is stretched along the back of the sofa, puny indie boy arm, and the other arm extends towards the camera, beer between fingers; and his shirt is all rucked up.

And then me, I'm doing this total fucking butter-wouldn't-melt thing; tucking my hair behind my ear, cute little close-lipped smile, resting my head against his chest, for all the world as though I haven't just drunk a bazillion double gins and smoked a bazillion fags and told a bazillion bad jokes and - anyway.

So the girl takes this picture and we both go, 'that is US. I SWEAR. That is SO US. Ahahahahahahahhh', all pointing at it and taking photos of the girl too because she is so cute. And then he goes off to get drinks, which takes forever, because it's oneAM or something by now and everything's just… total fucking mayhem. And then the girl says, hey.

So I chat to the girl who is just entirely coming onto me. She says 'I did a pill earlier!' and I go oh my god, give me one, I would just love that, but of course, there aren't any. And she's introducing me to all her friends - this gay guy here, this gay couple here - bemoaning their gay-couple status, and I go, I KNOW, it's so fucking dull, all my friends are in couples too, it's like, what the HELL are you supposed to do, just HOW are you gonna get any play when it's like that? And then he comes back from the bar with our big pints and the girl goes off and dances or something and I say, dude, this lesbian was totally coming on to me. Brrrrrrr.

But then when we're leaving, I go to say goodbye to her, and I - this voice goes off in my head, and it says, You Are Going To Kiss Her. And I do. I just lean forward and plant one on her mouth. And she flinches a tiny bit, as though she's shocked - and then she just grabs my forearms and leans into it. And it's like, total performance kissing. Men kiss as if they've got a goal in mind, don't they? It's just a… conduit for them, a way to get to where they're going. But with this girl, it was the thing itself. Just the fucking… tongues going all over the place, and lips and biting and, kissing soft and then hard and then I am raising my hands to her head, with my fingers flat against her soft hair and my thumbs going stroke stroke stroke on her cheeks and against her mouth. And then we're hand in hand running around the club and dancing and making out.

And, all the time, he's just sitting there."

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