A TRIBUTE TO ONE OF R'N'Bs UNSUNG* HEROES
*(sort of)
by Charlie Lucas

A voice of molten sunshine. A beard like a facial dado rail. Cuddly sweaters displaying patriotic slogans even the Queen Mum would approve of. Teacosy hair. Laydeeeez.

Craig David is the tits.

Oh, Craig is mocked. Cruelly. For living with his mother. Being 18. Coming from Southampton. Revering beautiful ladies. And boasting about his four by four. Like I could give two shits. For therein lies the secret of his allure.

Craig David is a soothing breeze of purity in the sleazy world of r'n'b; a veritable lemon sorbet for the soul. AMP loves sleaze, sure. But even the sleaziest soul needs a spring clean now and then. Craig David is a kind of spiritual douche, if you will. He is, it could be argued, the musical equivalent of Yom Kippur.

'Can't be messing round on mah girlfriend', he sings. Aww. 'A one night stand isn't really fair.' Bless. 'I'm not like them other guys'. Sweet. Come back when you're 28 and tell me that. But - and here's the thing - Craig delivers this blast of naive adorable IGNORANCE in a deep, manly voice that undulates around the ear canal, caressing that crevice till it feels more vibrant, open, vulnerable and alive than a just-popped fuscia bud. Yee-ow!

In true zinester DIY spirit, AMP decided it could not bear to be a passive consumer of Craig David any more. Listening to the album? Not enough. Mocking the jumper on the MOBO awards? Not enough. Tuning into children's TV to watch him answer emails? Not enough. Only one thing for it. Taking the slogan 'don't diss the media, become the media' seriously, we decided to grow our own Craig David. And, just like the man himself, it was suprisingly easy.

 

 







1) Get a boy.

a) Pop a hat on him.

b) Make him look 'soulful'.

c) Walkman headphones.

d) Hands on headphones.

e) Raise eyes to heaven.

 



 

 

Advanced option:



a) No headphones.


b) Sultry expression.

c) Beard. Eyebrows.

d) Boring denim

e) Macho 'I am not a gaylord even though I don't cheat on mah laydeeeez" pose


Et voila! You have Grown Your Own!

Perk: he will make love to you
every day.

Hazard: He will 'chill' on Sundays.

handy links:

the official craig david site

the anti craig david site
a touching news story about craig





 

MUSIC - FOOD OF LOVE.
NOT AS GOOD AS REAL FOOD, THOUGH.


MEET THE TEAM!
Charlie Lucas

You know when you read those articles about weird people who have 50 pet cats in their council flat?

Imagine, if you will, such people's young daughter, always clean and well-turned out, despite living in a place that smells of wee. See the resolve in her eyes, the clench of her jaw.

She wants things.

Things that aren't knocked off shelves by clumsy tails. Things that aren't scratched to shreds by disrespectful claws.

A nice place of her own full to the brim with things.

And no bloody cats.

That's Charlie.

charlie@ampnet.co.uk


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Reviews: Things that are excellent / quite good / risible

R

 

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